- 2 thoughts
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It feels like I have this mask that I am not capable of taking off. People see me and make all these assumptions. The general consensus being I am a person who is "put together". They have no idea about the messy. I want friends who know the messy and still want to be friends anyway. I want people who are ok with the fact that I spent years contemplating suicide and that alters a persons worldview. I want people who realize I see myself as a coporate sellout, not taking time to develop my artistic gifts is something that eats at my brain. I want someone to know that I gave up my first cat because I was in such an emotional low that I didn't feel I was giving her the affection she needed. I want friends who know what it's like to have parts of themselves they are scared of. I say I want all this but I don't know if I will ever allow it to happen. I naturally and inadvertently keep people at I distance. I don't offer much information about myself . My justification, "if people want to know they will ask". ...it's been a convenient statement to hide behind.
It seems my mask has been rather faulty of late. Today I yelled at my parents while helping my mother clean. Granted I've been depressed and lonely and I had a head ache at the time, but that's no excuse. I should have full control over my emotions and my actions. My little bottle must be about full. This will have to be attended to, however, for now, I feel as though my mask may need an upgrade, or rather, a return to a previous grade.