Mask

It feels like I have this mask that I am not capable of taking off. People see me and make all these assumptions. The general consensus being I am a person who is "put together". They have no idea about the messy. I want friends who know the messy and still want to be friends anyway. I want people who are ok with the fact that I spent years contemplating suicide and that alters a persons worldview. I want people who realize I see myself as a coporate sellout, not taking time to develop my artistic gifts is something that eats at my brain. I want someone to know that I gave up my first cat because I was in such an emotional low that I didn't feel I was giving her the affection she needed. I want friends who know what it's like to have parts of themselves they are scared of. I say I want all this but I don't know if I will ever allow it to happen. I naturally and inadvertently keep people at I distance. I don't offer much information about myself . My justification, "if people want to know they will ask". ...it's been a convenient statement to hide behind.

It seems my mask has been rather faulty of late. Today I yelled at my parents while helping my mother clean. Granted I've been depressed and lonely and I had a head ache at the time, but that's no excuse. I should have full control over my emotions and my actions. My little bottle must be about full. This will have to be attended to, however, for now, I feel as though my mask may need an upgrade, or rather, a return to a previous grade.

Two years ago, this would have never happened, one year ago, this would have never happened. Alas, times change and my mask seems to have been warn down. It may need replacing.