Control

Playing too many role games; don't remember to say "I love you." Too busy worrying if I'm treating you right; wondering if I'm doing all I can for you. Too busy wondering about you to do all I can. Don't have any 'back me ups' to support you.

Just wanna say I know everything about you and just to assure you I know exactly what to do, and it's so simple that it's supposed to come easy. All the nifty techniques are my specialty so pretty soon I'll have you cured and after you're taken care of I'll have the confidence to fix myself up. I can only handle one person at a time anymore. That's because I love you SO much, you see. So much that I lose all control over my own actions as I take control of yours. Once I have you doing what's right and send you on your way, I'll have control again. It's so scary to think you could ever die. Of what worth would I be not having control over anybody? I'm too much of a mess right now. I need my little projects to prove my mortality, to enrich my self esteem, to give me a solid reason to cry. Right now I don't think I belong anywhere but inside your heart. Right now I'm wondering if you only belong in mine. If we belonged anywhere else, we'd accomplish something. But since we're such failures, why would we let go of the ropes and let the curtain come down? Our hearts would be as black as the night. Our thoughts would be as useless as stray dogs. Our accomplishments would just rekindle the fires of our loneliness. Yeah, I know you; only as far as I would stick my hand in that fire.

Off into the evening with my sins unrepented the message ever clearer as the powers were relented trusting in my pieces to bring me to a whole tightening the strings as i feel myself regain control.

I'm starting to understand a bit more what my 'deal' is.

Because there are traumatizing things that have happened in my past that I couldn't control and can't seem to fucking get over, I'm compelled to exercise control over everything in my present environment that I possibly can. This comes out as small, innocuous rebellions like how I dress, how I speak, what items I carry on me, and how I want other people to act, but it's also the reason why I feel like I have to have absolute control over myself. It's all an attempt to win a million imaginary battles every day with my demons.

The men who murdered my brother may never present themselves for me to confront, so I project my need to fight them onto everything else in my life, and prepare myself constantly for a confrontation that, in my mind, will happen any second, because I desperately crave that catharsis.

And because everything that I've ever done that I regret just echoes through my mind constantly, reminding me of all of my avoidable failures, I feel like I'm constantly fighting to destroy inferior past-versions of myself.

View Thinker #77406d's profile

Hey, me too. Minus the brother part, add "And I tend to slip into a mania that keeps me awake for days, and then I use street drugs to sleep and spend five minutes just being, without picking myself apart."

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How the hell do you do that? Why is it that when I talk to you I have no control over what I say? I can't say no to you. I wonder sometimes if you realize how completely honest I am with you, and how completely uncharacteristic of me that is.

I guess this could be a little dangerous because you could ask me just about anything, and I'd give you an honest answer, but I trust. you. In fact, I think I might like it. It's nice to be completely honest with someone.

Anyway, it will be interesting to see where my limits are. What question won't I answer even for you? Hmmm, this should be really interesting.

View Thinker #ff0066's profile

Sadly, I know the feeling... I think it is part of being human, that weakness we have for some people.

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Starting today,

I control my life.

No more feeling like I am being pulled along.

I am in control.

If I don't control my life, who does?

Starting today, I follow my own goals.

I prove to myself that I AM IN CONTROL.

No more cutting. Ever.

I will eat healthy food.

I will exercise.

I will walk through the woods whenever I want.

I will meditate.

I will be a better person.

I am in control of my life.