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I want to get out of here. I want to find peace in my own way without having people in my head. Without feeling like there's a looming presence waiting to strike me down. Whether it's school, parents, family, or friends. Or some sort of impending doom. I want to feel control without having to go through the fire to get there.
When I start gaining control
They tell me I’m losing it
Through others’ words, I tell them about my hole
But they don’t believe it
I shoot for understanding
Though my thoughts are constantly trampled
My voice and feelings dwindle
and evaporate into the ears of an unresponding air
When I start gaining control
I get pushed into muddy disbelief
We could grow together
We are so green
We could laugh together
We know what’s funny!
We could cry together
We know real pain, sadness
We could see together
There’s so much light
We could run together
We have endurance
We selves could grow together
We are so unique
We could ____ together
The rain is irresistibly comforting to me as it patters away the deathly silence of the screaming night.
I'm starting to understand a bit more what my 'deal' is.
Because there are traumatizing things that have happened in my past that I couldn't control and can't seem to fucking get over, I'm compelled to exercise control over everything in my present environment that I possibly can. This comes out as small, innocuous rebellions like how I dress, how I speak, what items I carry on me, and how I want other people to act, but it's also the reason why I feel like I have to have absolute control over myself. It's all an attempt to win a million imaginary battles every day with my demons.
The men who murdered my brother may never present themselves for me to confront, so I project my need to fight them onto everything else in my life, and prepare myself constantly for a confrontation that, in my mind, will happen any second, because I desperately crave that catharsis.
And because everything that I've ever done that I regret just echoes through my mind constantly, reminding me of all of my avoidable failures, I feel like I'm constantly fighting to destroy inferior past-versions of myself.
How the hell do you do that? Why is it that when I talk to you I have no control over what I say? I can't say no to you. I wonder sometimes if you realize how completely honest I am with you, and how completely uncharacteristic of me that is.
I guess this could be a little dangerous because you could ask me just about anything, and I'd give you an honest answer, but I trust. you. In fact, I think I might like it. It's nice to be completely honest with someone.
Anyway, it will be interesting to see where my limits are. What question won't I answer even for you? Hmmm, this should be really interesting.
No more feeling like I am being pulled along.
If I don't control my life, who does?
Starting today, I follow my own goals.
I prove to myself that I AM IN CONTROL.
I will walk through the woods whenever I want.