Parents

Never minding the words you say to me,
always looking for ways to avoid these
problems which have hurt so bad.
It makes me sad, though, when
my caring actions that I send
go right through you.

Sitting here, I find
I can make my life go more fine
disregarding the hard fact
that it's unnecessary to react
to points I disagree with if
doing that doesn't help set my body free.
Gotta get those priorities straight,
Without them straight you still can rate,
but it's not worth any debate
because you can't really change
until your own life is in order.

I’ve learned that the biggest influence
will always be myself, and
that will
knock any books off the shelf
of my head.

Every time I go over that road, I always hit the same potholes.

My mind throbs and aches over the shittiness of the crap that seeps through my parents’ heads. I mean it literally aches. They fuck with me so intensely that more permanent scarring will be near unavoidable. They punish me for making a somewhat crucial decision of staying home from school for a day so that I will be a bit more responsive and constructive at school. Their punishment of holding my car will only burden my mental health more by restricting me from getting out of this shitpen hellhole. They trust me so incredibly little. My opinions and feelings are shit to them. They believe nothing I say. They are fucked. They are FUCKED. I keep remembering when my shrink told me my dad was very bright. So very hard to believe. They don’t even know who I am. I don’t know what the FUCK they are. They suck.

Flogging my mind
I seek escape for pain
Torturing the self
They fuck my school motivation

Feed me more of your ignorant selfish programmed scum so my future will disintegrate and it will obviously be my fault. My lazy dumbass irresponsible activities must have done it. It’s not my parents’ fault. To be mature means not to let others burden you.

I have to get out of here before I explode. I don’t know what to do and how to avoid home shit and do better (good) at school. My grades were getting better but now home shit is getting worse. Just a couple of answers is all I want. God damn I need to go to bed. … just to put on this paper to express how terrible I’m feeling right now.

I love my parents. Apparently, that's quite a rarity; it seems with my friends if you're not outright sick of your parents then they're either dead, estranged, ridiculously controlling or just downright abusive. And I used to think shopping with my mother was hellish...!

I get on really well with my parents; they're totally devoted to me and my sister and supportive of pretty much everything we decide to do. We're not the most... emotionally sharing of families I guessEven when I decided I wanted to go abroad for university, doing a course I just couldn't do at home but costing far, far more than it would have cost to go to my local art institute - they supported me. They paid my tuition fees, they paid my rent, they sent money for food and bills so I could focus on my studies and not have to work a shitty part-time job.

When I try and calculate just how much I've cost them these past three years, I feel sick. It's SO MUCH money!

And I feel utterly awful, because they've asked me not to keep them in the dark about what I'm doing - I made my livejournal friends-only last year because I was being harassed by goons - but fuck, I didn't even tell them I'd finished my final exams til almost a week after the fact, which really upset my dad. I hate discussing my finances with them because I feel terrible for not having a job and I don't want to sponge any more money off them. And yet my mother is hurt if I don't ask for money when things are tight. I even got a crappy job this last year to take the pressure off them, worked mostly weekends on the night shift, and she encouraged me to give it up because I should be doing university work.

I feel like I'm taking them for granted. I can't bear the thought that I could be so horribly selfish and hurt them like this. But I can't help feeling that I've wasted their money. Maybe I'm just feeling down after a string of job rejections, but I'm really starting to feel like I'm not cut out for this industry I've chosen... And there's nothing else for me. My degree is so horribly specific; if I can't get a job doing what I'm trained to do, I'm toast.

I don't want to disappoint them.