Resolve

I've decided time and time again that I will distance myself from him and stop putting him through this. It's not that I don't want to be near him, there's nothing I want more, but that I can't stand the look in his eyes sometimes... the faces he makes when he wants me to explain myself and go back to being happy, fun, and lovable. I'm rapidly losing the ability to be any of those, as everything that's been internalized keeps getting louder. My screams in the memories replaying in my mind try to drown out his "I love you"s, and I sometimes can't distinguish his touch from the men in my nightmares. I try to focus on reality, on him and our friendship, and be playful. But time and again I get it wrong. I upset him and don't know how to fix it. And each time that I see the disappointment and frustration in his eyes as he hopelessly strives to make me happy, I resolve to stop putting him through all this. When we part, I tell myself that I'll leave him alone, hope that he starts to forget whatever it is he loves about me before it dies entirely.

But I'm selfish, and I keep seeking him out in hopes that he'll be able to put me back together.