View Thinker #418656's profile thought 16 years, 5 months ago...

I'm getting ready to head back to school and I am honestly more excited about this than anything else right now. Not because I'll be going back to classes or anything like that, I'll just be leaving my house for a few months and that's more and more exciting every day. I dislike being here, as I've mentioned in many other posts, but I've been so incredibly depressed for so long. This is the time of the year I get like that though, last few days of Dec, first few weeks of January. As soon as I'm back to Chicago, I'll be able to relax again and who knows, maybe this break from being in my own personal hell will last long enough and my returns will be short enough for it to not matter at all anymore.

I woke up this morning and felt worse than I've felt in a long time. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how much I've come to dislike myself again. Usually I would call my boyfriend and boost my mood by listening to him tell me how his life is and remind myself that I'm cared for. The thing is I know I'm cared for, I just don't really have the people I want around me here, I don't really have anyone around right now. I know my mom loves me dearly but she doesn't show the specific type of care I need. I'm something of an isolationist when I'm here, and I realize this. However, I do not wish to approach her about it, especially with the mood swings, the crying, and the feelings of failure that she would express would be awful. I do care about here, you see, because she is ultimately a sufficient parent. She cares, she loves, she supports. However, because of how I'm mentally and emotionally constructed, she doesn't quite understand what I need and how I express myself. Currently she's not quite understanding that I want and need to be left alone. Otherwise I won't figure out what specifically is bothering me.

Not that it'll matter for much longer. Wednesday I'm going back to school and I'll be back to work Thursday and then my boyfriend will be back Friday. Then slowly, but surely, things will fall back in together as they should. But until then, I'll be hanging on by my threads, hoping that things won't just fall to splinters. I have a dental appointment and a car appointment in the morning and after that I'm hoping to go see a movie with my aunt. Then if I'm really lucky I'll get to see an old friend afterwards. That would make my disposition abit brighter I should think....

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