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it's scary when I want to lie to the most important person in my life about what I'm doing or thinking. usually I can resist. but sometimes I'm too scared by their potential reaction to what I'm doing. I don't want to worry or hurt them like that. usually I just try and hide it.
I want to let him in. I do but, after so many years of holding that part of myself back, I can't just let my defenses down. I've tried. I'm still trying. It's just hard for me. It's also scaring the hell out of me. I've never been as honest with someone as I have with him. Honestly, I'm not even completely honest with him. He'll ask me something like "what are you thinking about?" and I'll shrug and say nothing, when there is really so much that I'm thinking about. Although, there's so much that it's hard to pick out just one thing. I want to tell him how this week was fucking horrible, but it's so much easier for me to push that aside and talk about how his week was. I feel like he needs it more than I do. I'm strong. This is what I do, what I've always done. I'm the one that people come to to talk about their problems. It's almost never the other way around. I'm good at hiding my emotions; burying my tears, and moving on. I feel like if I continue to close myself off to him, I'll end up pushing him away, and I would hate for that to happen. It's happened before, what's to stop it from happening again. I don't know, I guess I'll just try harder. Maybe it's about time I let someone in.