Fullcircle

A couple of nights ago I had forced interaction with my ex for the second time in six months. It was fine but after I had a conversation with him, I got up and walked over to a different chair and thought to myself, what was it you thought you loved so much about him? The stability was one thing and the fact we were both nuts and had been together so long that we both had the mentality of I have put up with you for so long I will be damned if you think you're going to move on. That we are done when I say kind of psycho stuff. Young and didn't know any different.

Don't get me wrong I am glad he showed up for our son and my grandma. However, I just really never dreamed of him being there. They only let two people back at a time. After I moved the second time he came out and sat beside me again. I just looked straight ahead and he said, so what have you been up to? Still staring straight ahead I said painting. I have been painting and painting and painting some more. He said how much money are you making? I said why? He said I just wanted to know. So I told how many items I have sold. He looked at me and said, wow! Good for you I am happy for you. I said, thank you. Then I said, it is hard to comprehend at times because when you make the wrong choices like I used to there is a part of you that thinks I don't deserve this. Even though I know better. Then he told me if I needed anything I can count on him. What in the actual hell? No I don't want to count on him I want to count on me. When someone says things like that, from my personal experience with him there are stipulations. That is why I stayed for 13 years too long the first time because I put myself in a situation where I counted on him and it got me no place! I appreciate the kind thought but I would starve first. One of the best lessons I learned from him was to never count on anyone but me! He told me he was proud of me and I just sat there and thought at one time this was all I ever needed to hear but now I could care less. I don't want or need validation from anyone especially someone that I used to fight and argue with daily. That full circle moment I had made me realize I have grown and I am very thankful for it!