Money

For the first time in my life, I'm feeling the anxieties of money hit me like a freight train. My parents left to FL a year ago and I've gradually spent away everything I made at my job having to pay rent, my car, car insurance, health insurance, utilities, and then still carelessly spending money on stuff I didn't need.

Now I'm unemployed and the UI benefits will only get me so far. I'm trying to move away where it's cheaper and closer to the family, but fear I won't even make that. It's fucking expensive to move to another state. I wish I could just stay with my aunt for a while, but she won't want my cats in her house. :'(

I hate money. I hate everything to do with it. I hate how I have to listen to my mom talk about how tight money is, how we barely have enough money to pay the bills. I hate how I have to watch while she goes off and spends money on things that aren't necessary. I hate how I get my head bit off if I dare point out that maybe she shouldn't spend money on those things. I hate how I feel guilty the whole rest of the day for bringing it up. I hate feeling like a burden whenever I need her to buy me something.

I hate it.

I'm looking at a very tentative budget for the coming year and seeing a lot of red numbers. Big red numbers. This isn't even a case of 'stop eating out all the damn time and buying comicbooks' anymore, it's 'swallow your pride and get a job, any job so long as it pays money'.

This morning I got my final university results; I got a 2:1 and I spent the morning dreaming of job offers and a wonderful career doing what I've wanted to do for so long.

By midafternoon I was feeling somewhat less elated, and by the time the sun was setting I was walking past KFC and making a note of the hiring sign. I'm tidying up my CV; tomorrow I'll print it out and start papering the town again. I hate working shitty minimum-wage jobs with shit hours and no respect from my boss or my customers, but I need the cash; gotta pay the bills somehow.

One of these days I'll get a real job. Until then, I'm planning on assassinating somebody in Waterstones and ganking their job...

I wish it wasn't such an issue in my family... ... so that I wouldn't feel bad about spending money I make from my own job.

I feel bad that I want to take a cruise with the money I plan to save up over the next 7 months.

some days it seems like too much. some days it seems totally doable. the distance separates us less than the cash does. if i was independently wealthy, i'd be there right now.

truly is the root of all evil. One slip of the five letter "m" word and my entire house hold goes to shit. Who owes who, who needs more, who's making to much, and who's not making enough. I say we stop. We turn back the clocks! Nay! Smash the clocks let the sun and moon guide our days. Let the harvest mark our months of rest and let us barter our way through life with only the necessities. Sounds nice in a humble sort of way. I say this all now but I doubt I would make it in such a society. For this I blame my parents if I didn't know of satellite TV and wireless internet access I wouldn't miss it would I?

Personally, I dislike that so many necessary things depend on money. For example : education. I want a good education and "you can't put a price on a good education." Well, I think it ought to say "you shouldn't put a price on a good education." I have to find a lot of money to get my good education. Granted I got a few scholarships, but they weren't a lot of money except one, and it was a house scholarship....fucking hell I just don't want to be in debt...