Choices

It's a funny thing how we as adults have the ability to make our fair share of choices in life. We make these based on the likelihood that a favorable outcome should come as a direct result. Life, however, is the master of pitching curveballs.

I find myself in a place I never thought I'd be. Resentful, bitter, feeling lost, alone, and as if I've failed- yet I haven't. I have been everything that I would hope someone would be to me, but still it's not quite good enough. I have shown the utmost loyalty and concern for friends who I thought would do the same, but in return, I have found I've lost them all.

In the most recent case, almost a year to the day from the last, the experience has left me a cold shell of apathetic waste. Isolating myself so no one who truly knows me can pick up the stench of despair emanating from me as a whole. I try to tell myself, "You're doing all you can, just keep on!" I feel like no matter what my best looks like though, it's never enough. Everyone always finds a better- whatever. Sister, daughter, girlfriend, friend, it doesn't much matter...I feel replaced by every single person I held close to me.

When every choice you've ever made in life backfires, it's hard to trust yourself to make a right one. ...or is that just me?

As I've been getting progressively better about this situation, I've noticed that two parts of myself are feuding.

One part of me (the part that's dealing with this) is saying that I should just let go. Accept this "just friends" thing, get on with your life, just be happy.

And the other part of me gets this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever the "let go" side takes over. This side of me wants to be miserable and hopeful.

It's kind of hard for me to tell who's winning but it seems like the part of me that's telling me to let go is getting progressively stronger, and the other part of me doesn't want it to.