Poo

Went to an orgy and have been sad and spiraling ever since. Upon entering the scene I dont think I have ever felt so alone unwanted and unseen as I had that night. It was wonderful to see everyone explore each other and have fun, however it was agonizing to feel so outside of it. I feel like I handled everything as gracefully as I could but am extremely discouraged from attending another event like that again. I will if invited but I am not really excited about it. I try not to get too down and take it as a learning opportunity. I cant put any expectations on events. Just show up and serve. I think that is what makes me most content. To stay behind the scenes and help everyone enjoy their time. Living through their joy instead of trying to capture some for myself. The more effort I put into trying to feel special or happy, the more miserable I feel.

Feeling so inadequate and unambitious. I guess what i asked Him for wasnt exciting enough and it kind of fell through the cracks which is fine. I tried to drop a shower sex hint and it blew up exponentially in my face. Again, a learning experience... I shouldve been more assertive... Or silent.... Always hard for me to know which is more appropriate. Silent is for sure easier.

I have made a decision to never ask him for anything again. Show up and serve. If I dont have any expectations or desires I can't get hurt.