Worn

I feel worn down, and I don't know that anyone would really understand why.

I had to dispose of the mattress my mom and dad have slept on for years today. The mattress half my siblings were conceived on. The mattress my dad pissed when he got too drunk earlier this year.

So much pain there. And now Mom and Dad are trying to reconcile, and I don't know how I feel about that. I'm tired of seeing my mother get hurt.

I'm sick of feeling like this.

I'm not sure if it's the season, the relationship drama, the family health issues, or the friends' legal issues, but I feel entirely worn down. I so badly want to just stay in bed today staring out the window and thinking about everything until I can logically confront it, but I'm not sure if these are things I can force myself to view logically. I have a lingering feeling that I'm fucking everything up, and there's no way I can just tell myself that it's okay to do that.

I feel old and eroded and silly for not being able to act like a grownup. When everything falls into place, I think everyone is going to feel like I've sold them down the river, and I'll be entirely alone. As you sow so shall you reap, I suppose.

I just need a damn garden.