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I never thought that a life-changing event, a major milestone, and what essentially saved me, would just be me getting tired of the way things were. I don't know what I expected would turn me around. I guess I never expected to change. I thought I would chase that high until I died. But I'm not doing that, oh no. I said "Fuck it. I'm sick of being the fuck-up, the one they waste their useless prayers on, the one the worry about, the one they expect to OD, be shot, be beaten and raped. Fuck that." And now I'm doing better much better, and the plateau I'be hauled myself up on isn't shaky. It isn't miles of possibilities balanced on a single point. It's as stable as I make it, and I'm making it surprisingly fucking stable. I'm becoming someone else, slowly, someone I like, someone who doesn't go for weeks without looking in the mirror. Someone who isn't a fuck up, By myself. No illusions, no medication dulling my senses and making me okay with a terrible life. No cajoling false gods to fix things. Just the things I carry within myself. I'm changing, becoming someone else, someone with a future, and I'm doing it on my own. Suck it, universe.
I came home from a pretty good evening. with a pretty awesome girl, that I like, she was awesome, but I was soooo uncomfortable. I think it's because a friend recently re-opened some old wounds for me and I don't know what to do now.
I was excited to go home and just go to bed, and when I got home at 3am my cat had shit all over everything! I don't know what she ate that made her so sick! I haven't changed her food! i don't have plants in the house, I give her fresh water every day from a fucking britta filter, she's spoiled fucking rotten! and she had shit all over my bed, well not all over, but up where I sleep! on my sheets by my pillow, and it seeped down into the mattress. So at 3am I got to give the cat a bath scrub the carpets, do laundry and then animal spray my bed, that is now stained from cat crap!
I know it's not her fault she is sick, but it made me so god damn mad! I kind of wanted to punt her for not getting sick in the kitchen where I could clean it up, or even on the floor! My bed though? jeez common!
So I gave her a bath, and got her blow dried and combed because she has really long hair, and freaking come back from moving my laundry to the dryer and she had crapped all down the back of her legs again, and then fought me when I tried to clean her up. I've cried over 5 times tonight, I just wanted to go to bed!
I'm very tired... almost burned out for this whole studying thing. I have my last final exam tomorrow and then I will just have to finish a CAD project and a few hand drawn pieces. These are not difficult things. I mean, it's just Calculus...whatever.... I should do well, right? I mean, I've been working really hard this semester.
Of course, there is that whole anxiety bit.
You see, I have test anxiety and it is pretty the suck insomuch as it prevents me from doing well. I sit down to an exam and fall to pieces. Well I'm going to take a nap and maybe I'll be more collected and less tired...