Sock

I'm knitting a sock right now. It's the first sock I've ever tried to knit, and minus time to eat, sleep, and hang out with J, I've been working on it nonstop since I cast it on yesterday. I could finish it tonight, but my back is sore and I can't sit in that position anymore.

I paid $21 for this skein of red, orange, and pink alpaca sock yarn. Alpaca is my favorite fiber. It's so silky and cuddly, light yet warm. I'd knit with nothing but alpaca if I could. I bought the yarn without looking at the price; I promised myself I'd pick something out that made me happy, no matter how much it cost. When I got home and saw the receipt I nearly had a heart attack. I don't know if I'll keep the socks for myself or give them away. I usually gift my knits to other people, and I don't really wear socks much.

Who they go to is beside the point. The point is the activity, the knitting, itself. I went to see my case manager last week and told her how I've been dealing with severe anxiety since the night B broke me down. It's been bad enough that at times I'll get a panic attack from leaving the house. I told her that I was unsure of how to deal with anxiety like this, as when I've had anxiety before I've had Ativan or Valium. I was hoping she'd put in a med request for a benzo since I've proven I'm trustworthy with them.

She told me she wasn't going to put any sort of med request in because medication doesn't help you learn to deal with anxiety, it just masks it. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to look like a drug seeker, but inside, a rebellious voice said, "isn't that the case with the other two medications I'm on? They don't help me learn to deal with psychotic symptoms or crippling depression, they just mask it."

Why is anxiety the one symptom I have to learn to deal with on my own? I see my nurse practitioner on Monday; I bet you half of my social security check that if I walked in there and said "I want to learn to cope with my hallucinations without medication" she'd tell me how dangerous it is for me to go off my meds blah blah. So why do I have to just learn breathing exercises and knit to deal with the anxiety?

It seems unfair.

My sock says it's unfair too.