Structure

This word.........I have such a complicated relationship with this word. I feel such an active need to rail against things when I feel like my life is being organized into boxes. I want to move beyond the boxes. Sometimes, I feel a need to break things........and to be allowed to feel a little broken. Structure is this thing that holds everything together. I feel more at home with chaos and some of the danger that comes with it. I will try to put myself in the shoes of those who crave the certainty of a plan, and to some extent I can feel their desire for safety and stability, but this deeply innate sense within me practically demands unbridled fluidity accompanied with some disorder. I'm finding more and more that my personal needs are very much synonymous with a little bit of whimsical, irrational thinking. I'm learning to accept that this is a part of who I am. How many people go against better judgement and go out at 4 in the morning for another walk after having taken one a few hours before? Yet I felt alive. Somehow, in the most paradoxical way, it almost feels healthy to be a little bit unhealthy. To not do what is expected all the time.

I get that I need to find a balance, that I can't go through life without a little bit of coordination. I mean hell, I use a planner just to try to get things done in the most efficient manner possible. It just seems that the right mix of orderliness versus lawlessness sits a little differently for me than most of the people I know, though I can think of one or two people who could possibly relate to what I'm feeling. I just need to go through life without feeling like structure is the be all and end all of my life. After all, the brilliance of a plan is its ability to adapt to change and personal needs, two things which can move at various paces and will not be going away anytime soon. Let it not be said that those are the only things that effect plans though, these are just the two that are most important to me in my currently sleeplessly addled brain.

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