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I struggle with polyamory. When my partner has a new partner, it hits me like a punch in the face, or a slap in the gut. I hate it, every time, no matter who it is or how brief the affair is. And I hate myself for it. I feel like a failure, or a disappointment, every time. I don't know how to handle it, so I just try and kill that part of myself. But it grows back, like a stubborn limb. I tried to gaze into the darkness, like all the poly books told me to, and figure out what was in there, but it always seemed to be just out of reach.
I finally accessed a headspace to be able to shine a light in the darkness long enough, and I think I figured it out. At least, part of it. I think I worry that every new metamour will ultimately lead to my partner realizing that I'm actually an awful person. This new person will help my partner see my flaws, and all the ways in which I'm terrible, & they'll start finding all the parts of me unacceptable. Like someone else will pull the wool off their eyes, & they'll actually see ME. And because ME is so horrible, they'll leave.
That's part of it, anyway. A lot of it stems from past relationship problems, with past hurtful metamours and partners who took a new partner and then treated me like shit. But I can now acknowledge that my fear and anger at a new metamour comes from a fundamental belief that no one could actually love me unless I deceived them into it, and that new people will reveal the deception. But it's such a fundamental belief, and one I use to rationalize when people treat me badly, one that fits so perfectly with so many things, that I honestly can't imagine my life without it. Without this belief, I'm left with, what...the knowledge that I let people treat me like shit, just because? That other people are responsible for their treatment of me, and not that I deserve to be treated like shit because I AM shit? But I'm concerned that, if I stop accepting the fact that I'm an unlovable pain in the ass (because I am. my mental illnesses and past trauma are so much for people to take on), then am I lying to myself, and not taking responsibility for my actions? And what do I do from here, with regard to my polyamory? Other than grit my teeth and push through and hope it gets better...it has to get better, right?