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I know you don't understand why it hurts me to hear the things that I'm always hearing about your sex life. And I know that it's none of my business. And it's a stupid thing to be hurt by. None of that makes me feel any different, despite my best efforts. All I've wanted, for a very long time, is for you to be mine and for us to share a life together. Add that sentiment to the fact that I've felt sexually unwanted by you for years, and it's hard not to just lose my shit sometimes. I keep thinking that one of these nights, you'll make love to me like you used to. Or maybe give me a real kiss. Something.
I know that you'll never be mine. Not like it is in my dreams, anyway. The things that make us happy are very different, and that's why we had to separate. I could never ask you to be with just me, or to do anything else that I know wouldn't make you happy. And I really am happy to have the parts of you that I have. Your friendship, company, hugs, and maybe even still a little of your love. But I'll always be yours, and you'll never really be mine. I'm still trying to figure out how to live with that.
I can totally relate, I think. In the beginning, there were so many delusions & now it's like you can take whatever they're willing to give you, so long as they're still there in some aspect. It kind of makes me angry, even if I know it's futile.
For me, I feel like the only delusions were my own, not imposed on me externally. It's not quite even that I want more, just that we want different things. And the current situation makes sense. I get angry sometimes. It used to be directed at him. Now I get mad at myself for not just being totally content with the good things I have.
Actually, now that I think about it, I kind of accidentally deceived him because of my delusions. I thought for a good while that we did want the same type of relationship and that my negative emotions were something I'd grow past. Now that I understand myself better, it's time to adjust.