Belief

I'm studying philosophy for class. I love it, but sometimes it makes me so uncomfortable. All of the great philosophers seem to be able to completely set aside their own beliefs for something greater. How is it so easy? I've always believed in what I believe in now, and I can't just stop believing in it. There was a time where I completely lost my religion, but it didn't last long. There are some things that I think I could set aside if I found something else to replace it that I thought was more true. However, there are somethings that I will not give up, and any philosophy that I agree with will have to conform to it. That seems so closed minded, but I'm really not a close-minded person. I am willing to accept just about anything, I am even willing to accept flaws in my own beliefs and ideas, but there are somethings that I can't just give up, and still be who I am.

I have learned to avoid politics like it was the plague.

The reason? I have trouble forming beliefs.

When I really get down to trying to think about what I believe in, I can't for the life of me distinguish what I actually believe and what I don't, say something I thought would be funny to claim I believed but at some point forgot it was a joke and actually started believing it. I over question everything and realizing not one of my beliefs make any sense, my entire existence is built on what could be a sham, I have an emotional breakdown.

For example, last time I voted, I had such a breakdown and stabbed a standard ball point pen into my neck. That's why I avoid politics.

On a related note, I constantly battle with the quetion of whether i'm still perpetually single because there's a part of me that wants me to forever fail, to end up as the 40 year old virgin and beyond, to die alone and never loved...

...just to say "I told you so" to everyone. Just so I am justified in being bitter - so I can remain a bitter crotchety old man until my deathbed where I can say "you see? I told you I'd end up a bitter, crotchety, lonely old man who was alone for ever. Just like I told you I would."

It's a twisted way of "winning", and I hope it's not true.

But I have no way of proving that it's not.