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Some days I just feel very very lost. Like I've lost so much of myself in people, this whole year. I've realized a lot about the people who were there for me and the people who weren't there for me and the people who were in effect, indifferent. And how that indifference hurt me in so many ways. I kept myself in a situation only to feel lonely in the entire space. I want to be something else, I want to be someone else.
I'm in a wading, murky, phase in my life. It's dirty, weird, and without direction. My whole damn life has been filled with direction to some extent. I'm gonna be a doctor! I'm gonna be a psychologist! I'm going to college! And now at almost 24, I feel lost. All I know is I want to make money to do things to be happy. I guess that counts as some sort of direction, I want to be happy. But how? I want to feel good about the decisions I make going forward but maybe that's just what it means to be an adult. To have fears but keep going until it all comes together because it has to at some point. Right?
I've never felt so lost. I don't know what to do. I sacrificed so much for this relationship. But what do you do when your lover tells you they have been unhappy the last year, that they held you, had sex with you, said they loved you because 'a man has needs', that they would be better off financially and emotionally without you, that they want you to pack your things and leave...after three years. And then, just when it is starting to set in that your dream of a future together, the trust you've been working so hard to rebuild after he broke it is shattered, he says to you, he just says things to hurt you when he is angry. And that this is just another argument, nothings really changed, he is happy with you. What do you do?
Every time I've lost someone, one of my leading regrets was not spending more time with them and making sure they knew they were appreciated. It looks like another good friend will be leaving me soon, and I refuse to make that mistake again. I wish I had the money to travel the world with him before time ran out.
as modern day technology has made life increasingly mobile, we have at last reached the point where members of the counterculture can somehow live both connected to yet removed from the world at large. there are three major reasons for this - laptops with wireless internet, cell phones, and cars. as the wheel of time comes round full circle we will once more see the rise of gypsies, bards, traveling storytellers (and pharmacists) making their way from place to place, doing what they can and taking what they want.
our modern day storyteller is not limited to the instruments of old, though. armed with a laptop, books can be written; add a camera and you have a traveling photostudio. or get some instruments with your laptop and make a band. traveling journalist. gonzo journalism can be taken to a whole new extreme with the popularity of Teh Blog.
goths, hippies, punks, intellectuals, freaks, pagans, spiritualists; as they find the means to survive independently, without being tied down to a home or a job - and trust me, they are - they're becoming increasingly ghostlike.
I'm feeling incredibly lost amid this endless sea of troubles, joys, pains, sorrows, pleasures, etc. Essentially, this road we call life is not going so well for me right now. I'm feeling lost, shuffled under papers, pushed aside. I feel like the person I usually am is somehow being stifled by someone I am not. I don't know...
So many people ....
So many places....
Things to remember
At the same time, I'm so incredibly in love with it. I just need to adjust I think. The people are amazing, the academics are actually somewhat challenging for most of my classes. It's just that I would rather not be here without something familiar.