Breakdown

Read through your messages again...

When your friend is in your arms, breaking down in tears reading all the horrible, angry, vengeful things you were saying and begging you not to take him home yet, what would you have done differently?

I just want peace and resolution, not this chaos... You both are supposed to love one another, after all :(.

I am ALWAYS very excited when I see my fucked up friends break through and exhibit their normally inhibited emotions and ideas. Consversely, I am often ignored or rejected by said friends. This includes my retarded counterparts. How often will you invent your grandmother's obituary? Not very, that's for sure. I am working For my locality.

Last night I had a pretty intense breakdown. Out of nowhere too. My boyfriend and I where fooling around and getting ready to have sex when all of the sudden I got so depressed and I couldn't stop focusing on it. I felt awful and just couldn't do it anymore. So we stopped and were getting ready for bed when I broke into tears. He asked me to stop crying and asked me what was wrong but I couldn't figure it out at first. I felt like a failure for so many reasons. I've been in and out of this mindset that I'm not worth much lately and that kinda hit the big one when I went out of my mind on failing at everything lately. Usually I can make people feel better when they're upset but lately I haven't been so blessed with that particular ability. I don't know why it was so important all of a sudden but it was. I just wanted to help people, I want my grades to be better, I want to be able to get a better job than what I have at the moment because I fuckin hate my job. It is a bunch of bullshit. My checks don't amount to much because I am not allowed to work much and i don't make that much. I only make like $8.25/hr and I work like 8 hours a week. Fuckin college keep time away from my person at all times. And there's a god damn highschool foot ball game outside of the window going on right now and those little bastards are fucking loud! I want them to shut the fuck up. One thing I like about the winter is that sports are indoors and they don't make so much god damned noise! It's been lookin to rain all day and I would like it if it would just do it already....

I just don't know what's going on right now but I'm getting really depressed.