Helpless

I hate having to depend on other people. It leaves me with a feeling that I can't control my own life. I never know what's going to happen because I'm not in control. I hate that. I've never considered myself a control freak, I don't want to control everyone and everything. I just want to be able to control my life and the things in my life that I SHOULD be able to control.

I know I'm making too big a deal about this one incident, but it left me feeling so helpless.

As I downed my second orange solo cup full of cheap frat house beer, I could already feel it's effect. Not a drunken feeling, but that smile that lingers just a little longer than usual, that footstep that is just slightly more cautious than it had been earlier in the night. It's that feeling approaching euphoria. And then this guy who I had never met, never seen before, comes up to me. "Hey, have you had any free beer tonight?" I'm buzzed and feeling a bit sarcastic. "That depends," I tell him. "What are you gonna say if I say yes?" He asks me what kind of beer I drank. I didn't know. One cup was poured for me by a friend, and I just didn't pay attention to label on the can I poured for myself. It's a frat party. I can't be picky. I have to dump the beer in a cup before someone sees me holding the can. The last thing I'm concerned about is Natural Ice vs. Keystone. I hesitated. I just didn't know. My friend answered for me. "She had a Natural Light." And suddenly, stranger boy is in my face. "THAT'S THE ONLY KIND OF BEER I DRINK YOU FUCKING WHORE!" If my smart mouth had continued to run, I would have told him that I'm sorry his $7 pack of beer is gone, but considering that I had only had 2 beers, from 2 different rooms, I doubt it was me. But I was silent. I was shocked. No one has ever gotten in my face about some nasty, cheap beer. My friend told stranger boy to calm down, and was promptly head butted, and choked. And I as I watched stranger boy grabbing my friend by the throat, I just felt so helpless. "Chill the fuck out," I yelled. But nothing. More movement from the guys. Stranger boy is yelling too. "I will end your life." It sounds so melodramatic, but I'm terrified. I want to jump in, to help, but I'm so fucking afraid. It took four people to break up that fight. As stranger boy was dragged away, he was screaming at me, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING FAT WHORE!" I was hyperventilating against a wall when one of stranger boy's friends looked at me, and I said "I'm so sorry." He looked so sincere. I ran out of the building, pushing through the crowds of people, trying to hold back tears, trying to catch a breath. I was so close to feeling so good, and this drunken motherfucker ruined it. I just hope I never feel so helpless again.