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I'm a little drunk. Inarticulate. But when this happened, the thought occurred to me that this was one of those moments that defines what life is really like and can only be described by a stream-of-consciousness rant on Ether.
I tried my best to continue driving without showing any sign of how upset I was. I hoped that it wasn't noticeable, but it probably was. I tried to turn to my left so you couldn't see my eyes, or how my chin was doing that curling-up thing that you do when you're about to cry. I was briefly distracted from the pounding in my heart and the tears welling up in my eyes by the odd challenge of driving with my head cocked to the side.
I'm not mad, of course. I took no offense. I still love the hell out of you. You clarified for me how much I hurt you with my negligence. With being too absorbed in the rest of my life and negligent of your feelings and needs.
All through your visit, I had been thinking about giving you a little speech about how much I appreciated you when we were together. You took care of me when I was sicker than I've ever been in my life. You gave me a place to sleep. You were there for me 100% of the time, never once disappointed me, never once tried to hurt me, and always loved me (whether or not it seems like you should have). And all things considered, I suppose I was a bastard. I was critical and I didn't make much time for someone that loved me.
And the thing that made it all the more unbearable to be confronted with this was my realization that it's something that I was guilty of before our relationship and during my current relationships. Immediately after dropping you off, I went back to a loved one and just fucking cried my eyes out because I saw the inevitable repetition of the cycle that would end in her being hurt too.
Goddamn it. Sometimes I think I need to just stop being social altogether and get past this phase in my life when I need to be all cloistered and productive all the time. It's not fair to entangle myself with other people's hearts if half of me is always dedicated to all of my crazy projects. Nothing is worth hurting the people that love me.
I wish I could take it all back. I know that you'll be fine, but still, it's one of those things that I'll never be able to forget about, or be cool with. I can't ever reflect on you without acknowledging that I hurt you.
Driving to me is my time to get away from things I don't want to be around. I seem to drive a lot lately. Most of my friends live at least 45 minutes away. So in that instance, I am driving to the things I want. But while I'm driving, I can take the time to gather my thoughts and think about things I have already done that day or plan to do or have done in the past. It's my place of solitude. Singing is another thin I do in the car. It's the only time I will sing out loud. Unlike those American Idol wannabe's, I know I can't sing therefore I keep it to myself. I love driving simply because I enjoy the time to myself where I can be me and think to myself about anything and everything.
I used to like to use the analogy of everyone having to move around by holding a giant vase that's extremely fragile and yet extremely expensive and running around with it as fast as you can. Break your vase, it's your problem, break someone else's and it's also your problem.
I really like driving. It feels physically soothing for me, and there's something deeper to it that I've been trying to put my finger on. I think that it's emotionally reassuring too because I'm always either driving away from something that I don't like or toward something that I want. I have a constant need to be reassured that what I'm doing at any given second is constructive, and that feeling isn't nagging me when I'm behind the wheel. Because hey, I'm driving. And it's not hard, and it's not unpleasant. In fact, it gets me away from people and gives me a bit of privacy to talk to myself, or sing, or just sit in silence for once. It's too bad that driving is ruining our environment. It would be wonderful if we were to come up with an eco-friendly means of transporting ourselves around like we do in cars. Mass transit and walking and bikes are all great, but nothing beats being able to climb into your own vehicle, go as far as you want to go, and be comforted by air conditioning and a stack of mix CDs.