thought 10 years, 10 months ago...

I miss seeing the beauty in things I once did. Everything lately has just been so dull, so lackluster, so voided of energy it seems. I tried to draw last night, with no luck. I just kept drawing the same faceless girl. I tried to get excited for something new, tried to force myself to forget about my feelings for just a second, again... no luck.

I like to consider myself a fairly upbeat person. Creative, loving, nurturing... but none of that is true in the past few weeks. I just seem... ugly. Everything I look at, ugly. I find no love where I used to, no inspiration, there is just this thin film of "eh" on things.

I thought my heart was broken, but come to find out it was my soul that has been bruised, cracked, and mangled. I feel like a zombie when it comes to any emotion anymore.

I feel like the only thing anyone considers me good for is sex. I'm to be used and thrown by the wayside. I even sometimes wonder if that's not why my relationship failed. I wasn't ready for sex with all the stress lately, and I feel that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I look at myself in disgust most times in the mirror. Ugly. That's all I see. I don't see a smile much anymore. I don't see the me I used to love and cherish. Looking at old pictures of that me, I'm angered. I'm resentful of her happiness.

I don't know who I hate more right now. Do I hate myself for allowing him in, when I swore to never do it again? Do I hate him for doing and saying the things he ever did, unknowingly breaking down the confidence I built up... breaking down me, or do I hate God?

Yeah, I've come to find God. Not in the way I had hoped to though... I know I'm the only one in my life who can control myself, my actions, so on, but I can't help but feel resentment towards God. Life is not supposed to be easy, but really? I'm about at my breaking point. Emotionally I have nothing left to sacrifice. I'm left on E.

sigh This whole patch of my life is best described as "ugly".

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