Torn

Oh. One Direction covered Torn. You know the song by the alt-rock band Ednaswap that got covered by Natalie Imbruglia? That British boy band that everyone seems to hate covered it. I don't know why that should make me as anxious as it does.

I hate being in this situation, trying to decide between what is logical and what my emotions are telling me. He's bad for me, or at least not good. He does things I'm opposed to, he doesn't have qualities I've always considered important... and yet he seems really sweet, funny, interesting. I could see us having fun hanging out together.

And I try to tell myself that I could leave it at that - just hanging out. But I know otherwise. I know that there would come a point when I would want more, even though it would mean ignoring every bad feeling I get about this.

But where do I draw the line? At what point does getting to know someone better turn into a self-destructive behavior? That is what it would be, allowing myself to get close to him... but I don't want to turn away now. I don't want to walk away just because it might get ugly. But I don't want to get hurt again either. I don't want to walk down that path knowing how it ripped my heart into shreds the last time.

Sometimes I hate my talent for knowing the consequences of an action before it happens...

What do you do when you're torn between everything you knew and everything you could be?

When an opportunity knocks and you find someone wonderful, something amazing. But your years upon years of social conditioning, along with therapy and experience, tells you that following this is a bad move. The wrong path. A trip towards pain and suffering you've never dreamed of. Your intuition keeps whispering, "she's trouble."

But you see her beautiful face again, and hear her voice. And for a while everything seems enchanted with her glow. Her smile. Her wit, her personality. Everything you could ever want, you can almost see that beautiful future. So why do I feel so afraid?

Why do I always feel so afraid?