Pills

A pill to make you numb A pill to make you dumb A pill to make you any body else All the drugs in this world Won't save me from myself.

Oh lord, how I miss it. I miss the tiny wadded cigarette pack cellophanes, tucked in the tiny pocket of my jeans, my bra, my sock. Hidden deep in a (sometimes hidden) pocket in my purse. Clenched in my hand, I can feel the small weight of a certainty, A little, solid chunk that will form barrier of chemicals against the night and the truth of the soul.

I don't miss the sickness, the loss of trust and friends, the shameful selling off of property, the begging, the nights spent naked in front of a fan one second, then curled up in three blankets the next. I don't miss the hallucinations, the delirum, the diarrhea, the glaring sunlight diffused only a little by the frosted bathroom window, hitting my eyes and sending shards of glass into my eyes and brain as I sat on the edge of the tub, emptying my guts and crying. Nor do I miss the idiocy, the inevitable lack of intimacy, the resentment, The inability to stand, nevermind enjoy, the touch of another human. These reasons are why I'm clean.

But goddamn, I miss the chemicals dissolving into the mucous membrane in my sinuses, the soft halos coming in around everything, the relaxing muscles. The softening of the edges of the entire world. Everything receding: people, debts, hunger, desire, misery and angst. The ability to truly care about another person. Half an hour later and I'm stoned, able to watch TV and sit still. I never sat in one place without fidgeting until I was seventeen years old, and bought six milligrams of Xanax in two milligram bars off of that skeezy kid I went to high school with who ended up going to jail when he was twenty for selling a cop pills and coke. Calmness is such an inattainable thing for me, once I found a fool-proof way to have it on demand, I couldn't resist.

I can live without it. I know that. The trouble is convincing myself that I actually want to, some times.

View Thinker #fc785d's profile

I'm glad you're getting clean, and I'll be there if you need someone to talk to, anytime.
This means you want a better life, a better you. This means you value your freedom. Life is misery incarnate, but you are meant to be here, sober and dependent on yourself to make it through the day. I'm glad you've found the strength to move on from this chapter of your life. Everyone makes mistakes, and it'll be a lifelong struggle just to get by each moment with using...but you are strong-willed, you can beat it! P-U-R-P-L-E GIRL, you go girlfrand! I'm your cheerleader, I guess. Sorry if I come off as a complete knowitall ass...my intentions are not to do that, but it could happen.... I care about you. and know that the world has seen nothing yet....we all better be ready for the day Purple Girl grabs us all by our collective knockers and shows us a thing or two!

View Thinker #fc785d's profile

I meant "withOUT using each moment" or something like that.... and I didn't mean to come off as creepy....or that I think your only accomplishment will be massive-molestations...maybe of just our minds? lol....god damn...I'm an idiot.

View Thinker #000000's profile

I call her Nurple. And I likewise cheer her on in her apparent quest for... molestation?

View Thinker #77406d's profile

It's actually a quest for peace with sobriety. But you knew that. And Peaches, I appreciate you rooting for me. I can feel it from here. It feels a little sticky.

View Thinker #fc785d's profile

Damn...I thought I was in my own juices, not that light syrup concoction so many other fruit find themselves in. . . Aw well, at least it's long-reaching.

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The insomnia is back…so are the little blue pills that leave me groggy the next day but without them I can’t function in the real world. Sometimes I think my brain has been wired wrong. On a lighter note finally posted a stupid story I haven’t had the courage to do this before and I’m feeling pretty optimistic which is a strange new feeling for me…so trading sleep for happiness worked out this time. But I’m really starting to hate the color blue.

View Thinker #c00f9b's profile

I totally know what you are talking about. I have been an insomniac since I was little. This year it finally got so bad that I was given something for it, and my pills are blue too. It's tough its a choice between staying up till about 6 AM unable to sleep, or manage time well enough so that I can take the pill at a time where I will get nine hours of sleep and stumble to class groggy.

View Thinker #77406d's profile

As a major pillhead, the best sleep aid I've found is Seroquel. And no, I'm not a rep for their company. Sleep good, wake up, after about ten minutes, the grogginess is gone. I haven't slept well since I was a kid. So I feel you.

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