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As wonderful as things are right now, as mellowly amazing it feels to burn for someone I've connected with more in a week and a half then I did with other lovers over years, a part of me does not want to let go of this pain. The part of me that craves tragic beauty, that has destroyed so many relationships, that always tore greedily through the skin, tossed aside the meat, and let the juices fall to the floor in haste to get to the tender tragic core. I will let go of the twisting inside of me, the listlessness, the wasteland that the beautiful boys I've trusted over the years have left in me, because cherishing tragedy is no more a way to live than snorting pills to dull myself entirely is. But I have a rather large suspicion that some over-bloodied part of my partially crippled, fully nostalgic heart will miss it now and again, when I hear a song that one of them used to sing, when I walk down the detergent aisle and smell something that they used to wash their clothes with. This attachment to the dramatic tragedy I've experienced is a part of me, I have come to believe, and am starting to accept, that there is nothing I can do to change this, I must simply try to minimize the damage.

So it goes.

View Thinker #fc785d's profile

Indeed, it's easier to dwell in the past than accept the fact that it's gone for good, for good reason. I believe truly that uh the Foot-fairy (hehe) is indeed meant to be in your life right now. I don't even know him, but I hear giddiness (well, see it in your typing, at least). Something that comes eventually, but not as soon as it has for you. You know....after things happen. December-days. Know what I mean? I don't want to go into huge details. Some things should only be touched on. I'm so glad for you, that you have found your way out. I believe that when I come out from under the rock I'm hiding from, I won't be so lucky.

In other words: when I break up with Rickets, it's going to be hellaciously long, the healing stage of things.

View Thinker #77406d's profile

December-days, darkest days. So you're planning on giving Rickets the boot? Do you actively want to, or are you just assuming it will happen? I know you love him, and even though I'm always threatening him with irresponsible violence, I don't think you should just give up and drift.

View Thinker #fc785d's profile

I can't bring myself to give him the boot. It's like...complicated. Hate grows strongest when it's rooted in love, I think.

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