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Have you ever mustered up the courage to promise something you knew wouldn't actually happen, wouldn't be plausible to actually uphold?
As I go through and remember everything you said to me, I wonder if you knew what you were saying would never hold true. I wonder if you ever meant any of it, or possibly still do.
You promised, even if we weren't together, you would be around. You aren't. You said that I was the last one. You would never be with anyone else because you wanted our family together. Did you lie?
So many things have come to the surface, and I believe that is why you ran. You knew what you had done, and you knew it would eventually come out. I really don't care. I wish you could have been honest and open with me. All the secrets is what translated to all the doubt.
I knew when you were lying. Every time. I just wanted to hear things from you, from your side. Instead you for some reason felt guilty about things, so you hid them from me and lied to cover your tracks. I hope one day I'll know if they were just words you mustered up to keep me around, or if you truly meant what you said.
That's one thing I can always own up to, I was honest with you. Even the tough stuff.
Not to love him. Maybe not even to cuddle afterward. Certainly not to pretend that there might be more
Just sex and friendship. People who hang out, have drinks, discuss the great question of Mac vs. Windows, fuck, watch some videos on youtube, and maybe listen to music.
None of that mushy in between shit.
Friendship. And fucking. And a line between the two.
So when he tells me, "I will say the most florid bullshit when I'm inside of you. All kinds of words." I take it as a compliment. But it might be too personal.
I want to tell her that I fell in love with her. That she's all I've been thinking about since I last saw her, and all I can think about is how much I can't wait until I can see her again in a few weeks.
But I fear that if I actually put it into words it could ruin everything. So far I haven't had to. Our actions have been speaking for us.
How when I put my arm around her, she squeezes me in closer and tighter.
How when we're cuddling watching a movie, she lets me stroke my hand around her body, even to places I thought I'd get slapped for going.
By not putting it into words, we've been able to avoid all the messy complications that could get in the way. How she's still technically seeing someone else. By not yet being a thing, we've survived... but by talking about it, putting it into words I risk either making it so, or destroying any chance it had once we have to talk about the realities of what we're doing.
Oh, and "innocuous" and "categorically".
And alumnae and glossolalia.
Haha, surreptitious fuck.
whatever. vast vocabulary isn't everything.
Shows how much attention I'm paying.