Jailbait

I sort of miss being jailbait.

Hooking up with guys was dangerous and hot when I was 16.

i'm two years, four months and eleven days older than he is. when i turn 20, he will still be seventeen.

my mom advised me not to get him pregnant.

this is a new experience for me. before, i felt that there was no way in hell i could ever date anyone my age or younger than me. and, true to form, i didn't: i dated an eighteen year old when i was 14, a seventeen year old when i was 15, a 20 year old when i was 16, and a 22 year old when i was 17. and now, he comes into my life, all smart, naive, sweet...young... and i'm an instant ephebophile.

i'm just afraid that he's too young to know what he wants. i think i've dated older guys my whole life so i didn't have to take that risk... so i'd always have the excuse of, "i was young and dumb and didn't know better, sorry." well now i'm the older, "wiser" one, been through two years more of shit, and wondering if maybe he's going to change his mind here in a few months as his maturity level shifts and grows. it's a fear i've never really had before.

i don't really like it. there's so much in doubt because of his age, and now i know how every older guy i've ever dated feels. it makes it harder to go out, to visit one another, it makes a difference in how other people see us. all of a sudden i'm old enough to be taken seriously and dating someone who is still a stupid teenager according to everyone who is going to judge us.

i'm probably over thinking the whole thing. it's not that big of a deal, it's not that big of a difference. it's just that, in my head, 20 and 17 seem really, really far apart.