Boyfriend

Oh my god, I just wanna say that that last thought TOTALLY came back and bit me in the ass tonight. I found out exactly how the dude feels, and I acted basically exactly like he acts. It's not jealousy really, it's more feeling like a third wheel. I mean me and his girlfriend have our own times, times that he wasn't a part of. I guess we don't really let him into our world. Or, more accurately, he has no way to break into our world.

As a general rule, boyfriends hate me, and I'll never know exactly why. One in particular I've noticed I've noticed is not too happy whenever I'm around. What, are you fucking jealous? For all the things I am and you're not, both good and bad, she's with you for a reason. I am not trying to steal your girlfriend. And even if I was, you know how little game I have. So I mean I don't think that's it. What the hell, right? Can't a guy be friends with a girl without there being something more going on in his head?

Boyfriend... that word just sounds so strange to me. My boyfriend... It's been so long since I've called anyone my boyfriend. This is going to take some getting used to.

But I think it's good.

half in response to the green square, half my own thought:

he called my his girlfriend once too. we were laying on his floor. (i think we actually slept on the floor that night, which makes no sense because his bed is totally comfy.) He was telling me about a picture that his friend had on his phone. I told him I wanted to see it and he jokingly said, "hey, do you still have that picture on your phone? my girlfriend wants to see it."

i laughed for a second, and then realized what exactly he had said. "haha...hey, wait!" i'm pretty sure he realized what he had said too, even though neither of us mentioned it afterwards.

This was a month of two ago. at this time he had already asked me out and i had told him 'no.' ha, we'd be disastrous as a couple, but we're just find how we are now. i'm pretty sure he still thinks of me as his girlfriend in his mind, even though he hasn't let it slip again. i don't care, as long as it stays in his mind.

I hate the idea of having a boyfriend. It seems so incredibly restrictive. It's like saying, "Um, no, I'm your boy and you can't have any other boy." It's not like I'm hounding the field or anything like that. I just don't want to have my options so closed.

He called me his girlfriend today though. Because he was complimenting me at the same time I didn't stop him. If it comes up again I may have to. He was saying that I was the "best girlfriend ever" so I dunno.... I don't remember him asking me out and me accepting. I don't remember anything that may be alluded as such.

All I can think is that he is either just thinking that this is the case because of events occurring the other night or something to a similar degree.

Once again, I'm feeling quite pathetic.

My roommate, my best friend in this place that I just can't quite call home, likes the same guy I like.

It makes me sad, in a way. How desperately I want to have a boyfriend, a guy that can be a consistent part of my life at least for a little while, and she is rebounding, trying to find that short quick relationship to ease the pain of her last.

Every day she seems to have a new crush.

A new person that is off limits to me.

There is no consideration for me. She's never even considered that I might like the same person she likes. I can't bear to tell her.

I'm so shy. I wish I could just let her know. I wish I could stand on the dresser and just scream "I LIKE HIM TOO!"

But it'll never happen.

I think I shouldn't be limited. If she and I like the same guy, we should both go for him. I accept that my quirky personality would lose out to her gorgeous looks (and don't get me wrong, she has a great personality too.) 9 times out of 10. But dammit, if I could find that 1 out 10 person, the one that could choose me over someone so pretty...

I feel like not trying to pursue a person that I am interested in, simply because another girl is interested in him too is just not fair to myself.

And even though logically, I think I should be allowed to flirt with whoever I want, I can't help but feeling like pursuing him is almost a betrayal of my friendship with my roommate.

Ugh. I hate knowing girls. I hate the quest for boys.

"we have a close relationship, to close relationship"

"I love you"

"fuck you" and in a serious voice

"You frustrate me"

"you want me to call you when i go to sleep?" "no not tonight" "I dont want to hear from you later"

"you're bullshit"

"it kills me to say good bye" "What about see you later" "same thing"

"you're frustrating sometimes" "listening to you" "and what you're doing" "i don't like to listen to what you do"

"maybe you should do things at night" -what do you mean

"I don't like this" "I think we need some time apart"

"i wish that we were together but apart at the same time"

"I dont care about other people" "I dont feel the need to have other people around me"

"I just am"

what do you want from me? what is it that makes you say these things that utterly confuse me... i ask a question and you ignore me. then you ask me why i'm not talking...

That was the most painful call I've ever had with anyone because it was like you were ripping my soul out of me saying those things. To me it was just so aweful. And absolutly devistating. You had me in tears and didn't notice or care and it hurt me so bad.

"I think we need some time apart" will repeat in my nightmares and that fact that I heard it from your lips makes it that much more real. You said that to me. I now know how you will utter it and it hurts. It hurts so bad. So bad to think that this was the guy I had told I wanted to marry to have his children and now he wants time apart. I know you're not supose to take a drunk man seriously but the fact that you even thought it makes me weep so much because I love you. I love you more then I've loved anyone and more then I will ever love anyone. No one comes close to you. And it hurts me. It hurts me to hear that over and over.

"I think we need some time apart"

You the person who put me back together has shoved me down and broken me all over again, more so then what I was before. It hurts. It hurts me.

Now you call and act like nothing is wrong like you hadn't said that. I llove you. I Love You. Why can't you understand that? Why?

Can you answer me that?

This boy. This boy with brown skin, brown eyes, and black hair. This boy who I trust more then anyone. Who has pictures of me who I have pictures of. This boy who knows my fears, my weaknesses, and my rejection. My past faults that make me who I am today, but that you have pushed far away from the front of my memory.

When you said that: "We need some time apart" It was worse to me then what He did. It hurt so much more then the rape. So much more then what made me fall to pieces that first time you entered me. Somuch more then what haunts my dreams and makes me cry when I remember it.

What do you want? To go and meet other girls? Because I won't be meeting other guys. Because I can't get "over" you. You are what I want, what I need. I NEED ONLY YOU. Why -

Your text "was this a mistake" breaks me even more.

the fact that you aren't answering your phone.

I can't sleep tonight.

You're drunk. But this is so much different. It isn't drunken slurs of sex. It's drunken slurs - that don't seem so drunken - about breaking up with me? I think I might just die. I hurt.

PLEASE don't give up on us because I'm not going to and I'm definatly not going to let you.

I love you

I am so tired of my boyfriend making everything so fucking confusing all of the fucking time. I'm tired of this bullshit. I hardly ever see him, and now we hardly ever talk. I just don't know anymore. I think he might just like being able to say he has a girlfriend. Right now it doesn't even feel like I have a boyfriend. I just have this guy that I occasionally hang out with and kiss. I'm ok with that, but if that is all we're going to be then I don't want an official title. That way he can't get mad if I were to hang out with and kiss another guy. Everyday it gets so much harder not to cheat on him, but if we don't have a title, I can't cheat. It's really a win win situation. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be thinking about cheating if we would just talk more.

Our relationship was so perfect. Now, I just don't know anymore. I was happy with how things were now i'm just scared. Scared that he'll realize how wrong I am for him. Scared that he'll finally just get fed up. In one simple sentence reality crashed down around me. I shouldn't have asked him. It was stupid of me. I thought things were going to get so much better since the last time we saw each other was so great. I don't know. Right now I'm in the middle of two states of mind: 1. I fight to keep our relationship to stay wonderful or 2. I let things go as they please. At this point I just feel like letting things flow. I hope that we haven't reached a point where we stop evolving, but if we have then ok. I can overcome anything, no matter how hard it will be. Fuck! Why do boys have to complicate things?