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You make it so easy to question myself and everything I love, but I don’t know how to watch you torture yourself. Every day when I wake up, I wonder if you’re alive and if your every thought is of how much you don’t want to exist. I go to sleep every night thinking about how I may never see you again. I don’t know what to say anymore. Sometimes my emotions feel like static on an out of tune radio with snippets of songs trying to break through. All I want is to cry and scream and demand that you stay, to tell you that I need you. I don't know how to exist in this world without you. I don't know how to find meaning here. All I know is that last time I looked for it I found you.
You know that I love you, and I know I can’t expect that to change how you feel. I sympathize with why it doesn't. I just can't stop writing your eulogy in my sleep. When you don’t answer my call I spend every minute until I hear from you trying to convince myself that you’re not dead. I try to prepare myself for the worst. Sometimes I imagine what it will be like when you’re gone and the time we spend talking is filled with echoes of all the things I never thought to ask you. But no matter what, I can’t make myself feel ready. If I think too hard about the possibility I can’t breathe. I can’t be okay with it. I’ll never be okay with you being gone. If you kill yourself I’ll die. And if I told you that it would just come out as an attempt to hold you hostage for my own benefit. There’s nothing that I can do to change this, and I don’t know how to accept that.
I'm honestly terrified of The Ether disappearing. I know it costs money to maintain. And most of the original users have moved on. There are no ads, no branding, nothing. Word of mouth has brought some people, but it's difficult to figure out who to invite. If I know them well enough to think they might find it useful or enjoyable, they probably know me well enough to figure out who I am. And the thought of someone reading nearly ten years' worth of my thoughts, without me there to explain which ones are outdated, without me there to give context, feels a lot like the thought of going running naked in the rain through a busy outdoor shopping mall.
I can't place a value on how much The Ether means to me currently. Ten years of recorded thoughts are not something I want to lose. But I can't post like I used to, or feel I can't, because barely anyone else is posting.
I know its silly to be afraid of this and I know it happens every day but I really detest being vulnerable and nervous about that vulnerability. I want to be safe, secure and with my wits about me. Right now that does not seem possible with a person who might threaten my ability to remain aloof. Yet, at the same time, I am afraid of being alone
I don't want to be alone, yet I don't want to be with someone for fear of actually falling for them. I thought at first that I might be able to just go back to how I once was but alas. It does not seem possible
I know you mean well, I know you just want the best for me when you tell me I should talk to him. But the truth is, I'm afraid. Not afraid of being rejected, but of being accepted. I'm afraid of him saying yes. I'm afraid of being in another relationship, unless I'm sure that it will end well, or not end at all for that matter. I'm afraid of falling, only to realize that he isn't the one I want. I'm afraid of trying, when I see so many things that could go wrong.
I know what you're thinking right now...how can I know until I try. But I don't want to try to make things work if they aren't compatible. I want to be in a relationship where I know for a fact that I like the person, not one where I'm unsure, or where I like him one minute and think he is a jerk the next....
I'm sorry, I know you think I'm just being a chicken...but I'm not the kind of girl that can date casually. When I'm in a relationship I take it seriously...and that means I am seriously hurt if/when things don't work out... Maybe you can't understand this, because you are the kind to date casually, and I kind of envy you that... but I dont want to put myself on the line again, unless I know the guy is worth it. And as much as he can be amazing sometimes, when my head is back to thinking straight I remember that it's all just a game to him...