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I found out yesterday or the day before that Bryan loves me. My chest still tightens up and I still get a little dizzy when I think this. I'm very certain that it is not a homosexual love. I love him, but I haven't really told him that I “love” him like he has told me. I've told him that I cared a lot about him, that I thought about him a lot, and that I missed him easily. I feel he might be idolizing me or seeing me as more of a father. In other words, I don't think he loves me like I do him. I feel though that he could eventually love me like that. It's weird and scary, and we are at a burgeoning standstill. I'm scared because I don't know what to do next period I want to hold him or should I say that he always acts like he wants to be held. But this relationship cannot live off this much silence and occasional hugs. We need to talk and talk some more. We need to spend as much time together as we can.
When we are around each other, I always preoccupy myself with driving or with a book (although I have definite problems keeping my mind on that) and he just sits there and sinks into quietness. This can't go on. I guess I could always have my arm around him all the time but for one thing that would be too humiliating and also pointless. I shouldn't expect things to move as quick as they would in the summer. I don't know what to say to him anymore. Maybe there's something big I need to do. A big wall that needs to be brought down to get any further. I don't know what it could be, though. Maybe a long, long, good hug.