Ohgoddamn

I'll start this post the way I started the other one under this thoughtword; I guess now is as good as a time as any to start behaving myself. Except this time, I'm going to be doing it for myself. Not for those I love, although lovable people keep drifting into my life. Not to mantain some illusion, because those are all shattered and in the dumpster at this point. Just because I have no excuses left. I'm done with irresponsibility, co-dependance, over emotional bullshit. It's time to do what I really want, what I really know is the right thing. I make a big production out of everything. Sue me.

I guess now is as good a time as any to start behaving myself. You're back around, you're homeless, you sleep in the bowl at the skatepark. You're dying to hold me, and as much as I value the relationship I'm in, and your friendship, I want to fuck you in half. Showing the hip bones doesn't help. Waving your ass in my face doesn't help. Me lying against you while we share a tire swing doesn't help. I think I could survive for quite a while with the almost innocent touches, like when you hugged me after I finally made it out of the bowl at the skatepark in my tractionless shoes, the way you grab my hand when we say something simutaneously, the way we lie on each other in the tire swing. I love your mind and eyes, and I want you in my life for as long as possible. I also want to drive three hours and been there when you get home, to drag you to the nearest where ever and dance fluidly with you, to do things to you that you never knew possible. To make you feel good, to make you pinch my teeth in your skin. To make you love me as much and the way I love you. The worst part is I know I won't give in. I won't lose what I have with O. I somehow know. I could get drunk and use that as an excuse, but I know I won't. I could give in to your scent and the way your narrow frame strikes a chord deep inside me, and never tell, but I won't. No, wait. The worst part is I have enough love to love you both seprately, equally, and individually, but I can't because I respect you and O.'s views on such things. Goddamn.