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she cares enough to buy me roundtrip greyhound tickets to toronto and back just to see her next month, but i already know i'm not getting laid. have i become so shallow that it's all i can think about? or is it just because it's been four fucking years of involuntary chastity that for one brief moment i thought were actually going to come to an end? don't get me wrong, ten years is a long time to know someone, especially for me. she's too close a friend for me to fuck it up by pressuring her into sex, or god forbid playing the "fuck me or we're not friends anymore" card. but maybe i hoped that the years inbetween and the mutual loneliness would play out differently.
or maybe she's just trying to keep me on ice until i get there. i doubt it though. it just fucking blows to hear how highly she thinks of me, but not enough to let me put it in her. she knows me well; not as well as she thinks she does, but maybe better than i think she does.
Back in High School when I was relatively innocent. Someone commended my virginity and warned that "sex is addictive." That was approximately 3 minutes before he felt up my calves with his foot. He had a unibrow, crooked teeth, a dirty shirt, and one thing to say to try and close the deal, "Nice calves."
No, I did not lose my virginity to that creepazoid. I waited til I was 21 and smacked upside the head with a love that had been simmering for about four years. I had pretty much blocked the memory of Mr. McCreepstache, except for the occasional joke to my boyfriend of "nice calves." But as I am nearing over a month away from my bf (why the hell must he live so far away), I am realizing there was one nugget of truth... as my younger brother once profaned "fuck me running with a bag of apples," I really do crave sex.
Maybe not sex... not just that. Interpersonal contact. I'm in a job where personal contact is a bit taboo, (working with kids) and I don't get out much, and all of my friends are spread over a wide swath of the states. I miss just hugging people, though even when I do that doesn't quite satiate the urge.
On top of that I'm reaching that age where my biological clock is ticking and some weirdo part of my brain is screaming "KIDS! YOU WANT KIDS!" So that part of my brain that relies solely on biological impulse has been casting around for "the perfect mate." It dredges through my limited social circle for someone to obsess over. That part of my brain seems to have fixated on one man twice my age, who has his own buisness, and a kid, and just has that weird paternal quality, and while he is perhaps past peak, not past expiration.
So combine reaching peak of my life, with the reaching the peak of my cycle, with being depravation deprived for the past month and you get someone rather desperate and creeping herself out throughout the day with fantasies that don't make sense. Fuck.
In what I have at least fooled myself into believing is my most lucid, sober, and contemplative state, I'm a big fan of monogamy. I love the absolute ecstasy of committed relationships and the realization that even though everything in life will come to an end, two people might just be able to learn quite alot about the other and experience life more fully because of sharing it together.
In other, more formidable states of consciousness, I often pose to myself the very real possibilities of an almost endless array of interesting, attractive, available, and fuckable people whom I would have no shame in sharing these feelings with...with a big smile.
I want to popularize the idea of "fuck waivers". They'll be contracts that both fuck-parties will sign prior to a hookup, and they'll read something like this: I, the undersigned, do attest that I am, to the extent of my knowledge, free of any STDs or meddlesome lovers, ex-lovers, suitors, or relatives who may wish ill upon my cosignatory fuck-partner(s), excepting for those which have already been explicitly disclosed and acknowledged by all parties involved. I do hereby agree to participate in all mutually consensual sexual activities planned in advance of the removal of clothing, and to not consent to any activities that I am not fully confident that I will be comfortable engaging in. I will not pressure my cosignatory fuck-partner(s) to engage in any activity with which they may be uncomfortable. Following the intercourse hereunto delineated, I hereby pledge to avoid making a big deal out of it and turning into a psycho. I will not assume friendship when only fucking took place, nor will I assume a romantic relationship where only fucking or an acknowledged friendship exists. This waiver does not constitute nor imply promise of any future increases in the scope of the existing relationship between the cosignatory fuck-partners, nor future fucking, nor will such relationship outgrowth be assumed unless mutually acknowledged and explicitly agreed upon by all parties involved. I hereby agree to keep my mouth shut and not go bragging to anyone about the fucking to be conducted presently without consent expressed by all of the undersigned parties. Oh, and I hereby pledge to wash up, trim up, and brush my teeth before sex, to personally supply any toys and/or accessories that I may want to use during fucking, and to not leave hickeys or bite marks unless asked to. After a few more drafts, I should be ready to get these printed up, signed, and notarized.
I want to fuck my boyfriend....like right now....in the chair I'm sitting in at work at 2:03 in the morning....GOD! I miss him and while I know that shortly after he returns/I get off work saturday we will be having hot, I-missed-you sex...I'm still sitting alone, in a chair, at work and it blows....hmm....another idea.
We had a scheduling meeting today and I didn't go because I thought it was friday because when I'm sick I don't really think a lot and when I woke up this morning I was not feeling well....I didn't even go to class. I always go to class, even when I'm ill.
I have never missed a meeting/appointment/engagement
I want her to be in love with me, I want her to forget that other fool and be with me... I want to run away with her, I want to make love to her... so maybe it isn't just a fuck. But I'd never tell her.
I really like a girl and I'm like bitching about my problems and insecurities to my friend, and I know that on a logical level the girl I like would definitely want me to talk to her about it, but I also know that on an emotional level it would just make her feel bad and she feels bad enough about life in general. Fuck, I wish there was a way for me to not have any romantic attachment to people. Because I was so much happier when I didn't, and it was actually easier to talk to her. I mean I wasn't so terrified that she would just cut me out of her life if I said something wrong. And if she did, tough shit but I have other friends. I'm not sure I really have a lot of friends I can talk to anymore. There are only two people that immediately come to mind.
I've conceded to have sex in unconventional places on a college campus many times with a recent (and unfortunately former) lover who seemed to be perpetually horny. These included a stairwell, a restroom stall, and the backseat of a car in a parking garage.
We also had sex in the bathroom of a motel room that we booked along with a half-dozen other friends very late at night after leaving a rave. She was still tripping pretty hard on acid while we had sex, and she had a very flattering and mindblowing description of the experience to tell me afterward.
on a friend's bed. in the living room of a communally run house. in the front passenger seat of a car. against a tree near north quad at ball state university. in a dark room just a few feet away from some drunk friends. on a loft bed with faulty support.
My father says that the amount people curse is directy proportionate to intelligence. And what do I say? I say "Fuck that." That souns more like a parental white lie to get me to do be more like the picture he has of me in his head.
Not that I've ever gone to a job interview and, when asked the question "Why do you want to work at Butt Plugs R Us?" I don't say "Because this place is bitchin' great, with a lot of goddamn growth potential, and a mothberfucking assload of career oppourtnities!"
Jumping in on the interesting places that I've boom boomed: About fourteen different places in Memorial park on the edge of New Castle. Underneath the new playplace thing in Baker park, in NC. On a lot of other people's beds. In a barn. On a trampoline. In a tent, surrounded by 100,000 drunken, drugged up, whacked out hippies.