Hopeless

It hurts me to see you hopeless. I feel like my efforts to make you feel better only worsen things in some way I can't quite articulate, and all I want in the world some days is to make you feel how you've made me feel. You gave me hope, ambition, and love when I didn't know if I had those things left in me. Now I still feel all those about you, long after you've lost them in yourself. You said the other day that I seemed to finally be fed up with you, and I couldn't explain exactly why I seemed that way. Here it is: You're one of the most amazing things I've seen in the world, even in your hopelessness. I wish you could feel that way. I wish you didn't always feel sad and angry. I wish I didn't wake up every day wondering if you're still here. I don't know anymore what I'd do without you, and I hate that. I'm not fed up. I'm just terrified. I feel like I'm watching you fall slowly off a cliff and have no way to catch you.

God damn, I'm hopeless.

I can mentally rehearse being smooth and confident all I want, but in practice, it always breaks down.

Every time I finally get a girl in my arms I'm so fucking nervous I shake violently with fear, too frozen to do anything with the situation. Hopeless romantic that I am, I put all related activity up on a pedestal - The simplest touch is rendered holy and untouchable. Something I've never been allowed to have, which just makes it that much more tantalizing. Forbidden fruit, if you will. So when I actually get close I'm so terrified of messing it up that I freak out which I can only assume actually does ironically mess it all up (which of course freaks me out more and the feedback loop begins...)

That's why I don't really care about sex - I can't even handle the lowest levels of intimacy. I haven't ever kissed anyone because its so foreign to me that I can't even fully fathom how I would. So sex is just right out - it doesn't even exist.

I just hope this girl finds my crippling fear adorable like the last one did. I think she just might. She didn't seem to mind my shivering last night.

I guess in that light I'm not entirely hopeless. Just mostly.