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My friends Karin and Lisa had move to Brooklyn about three weeks earlier. They called me and said I should come to a party with them. I was happy to hang out with them, so I met up at their VERY SMALL apartment and then we went to the party. The party was a lot different from any Brooklyn party I had ever been to. There were no dogs, people puking, loud music, drugs, dirty cramped apartments or DJ's on the roof. This was quite the opposite. An expensive looking, well maintained apartment full of wine, snack food, quiet mellow indie music, and people in suit jackets and skirts. I was looking like a bum in this crowd. So I ate the snacks and drank a little and talked to the hosts who were friends of Karin's. We left a few hours later and started walking back to Karin and Lisa's apt and the train. As we departed, I mentioned that I had to take a shit and hoped I would make it all the way home. Oh, what a thing to say. New York has NO public bathrooms... So, from their apartment to mine is about an hour train ride. So I took the G train to the L train. As I got on the L train, I started getting these intense pains in my intestines. I knew if this train didnt hurry up I really wasn't going to make it. I was struggling to keep it together for the rest of the train ride, battling waves of lower intestine pains. I knew my roommate said he was DJing the local bar that night, but it was 3am and he said he was getting home at 1am. So, I opted to go straight home, as I had very little time. So I struggled all the way home and had to keep stopping to clinch my butt. I finally made it and went in the building. Our apt involves 4 keys for the 4 doors and I made it through the first 3 I had keys for and knocked on our apartment door. No answer. No one was home! DAMN. I had to think fast of what to do. I looked around at my options. There was a bucket, but we might want to use that bucket. I considered going outside, but that didn't seem possible in the ghetto neighborhood. So I pulled a grocery bag out of my messenger bag and did the only thing I could. I closed the hallway door part of the way, so no one could see me, but would still let in light and I squatted over this bag I was holding and took a huge hot stinky shit. I ended up pissing all over the floor, thinking I was peeing in the bag. So I mopped up the piss and took the bag outside and put it in a shoe box. The whole building smelled like shit now. And I had a shitty ass. So I walked to the bar and met up with my friend who was still DJing. I talked to him for a while and took over for a while at the end while he talked to some girl and eventually brought her home. So we went home, hung out for a while then I went to sleep.