Food
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Food. And Pounds. 137 pounds to be precise. At five foot one. Never been fatter, thanks to food the nightmare is becoming my daily reality. My clothes don't fit, my body doesn't even fit. My skin shouldn't fit but it gets bigger as I do. Because of food. Because of corned beef Reuben with sauerkraut and salad with oil based dressing and crusty fresh bread rolls and baked potato skins and cookie dough and cookies and fruit and candies and everything I can find!
I used to be the smallest girl in the room, no matter which room I entered pretty much. A hundred nine pounds only and all my clothes were loose and my feet never hurt because they hardly had a thing to carry and I enjoyed my life. Wasn't cramped inside this overstuffed skin. Now I'm so padded the obsession can't even reach me through the fat. And I hate it.
Every day is another day I can't live with this, like this, another day worth wasting. I won't want to remember this crap. I want to forget these days and go back to me, 109, a number worth noticing.
One of the myriad ways to my heart is through my belly. I love food like I have a fat girl trapped inside me, and I really love trying new things or just really well-prepared favourites. Of course, once you reach my heart you'll find an empty room and a little note that says 'Got there first! -M' but hey, at least you tried, right? And I really appreciated the food.
A friend of mine asked an interesting question in her blog today while pondering what would happen to her if Heinz stopped making spaghetti hoops: What food couldn't you live without?
My answer was potatoes, in every shape and form. Mashed, roasted, boiled with butter and salt, as all the different delicious varieties of chips, as Tayto crisps and Pringles... So versatile, so GOOD.
I've decided that I hate food. I'm pretty sure the only reason I eat is because if I don't I'll die. If there was any other way to stay alive without eating, I wouldn't eat. It just seems to cause problems. My mom thinks I'm anorexic half the time because I'm not hungry, then when I finally get hungry I can't find anything I want so I lose my appetite. Or I'll feel bad for going an entire day without eating, so I'll end up forcing myself to eat something. I just don't like food.
gAnGsTa CaPs sUpPoRtErS
What about, "Hello, exercise?" Eating well and getting a good regular workout feels awesome. It just takes diligence.
"Goodbye, food" rarely works. When your body decides you're on starvation rations, it is just that much more thorough with what you do eat. Twice now, I've gotten far and above what is healthy. I never felt especially unattractive, but I suppose if people had stopped wanting to touch me, I might have. Both times, I slowly, steadily lost weight with excercise, and simply eating smaller portions of healthy food. That's the simplest way, with the most lasting results. I'm already about a month in to Round Three. Nothing but pilates and a few basic muscle strengthening moves, and I've lost eight pounds. I'm more than willing to be your bitch-about-how-much-we-want-i