Suddenly, I remember taking you to the basement when it was just me living there. That was back when you wore colors, and your tshirt was some gray/green tone. I was wearing my favorite shirt, the disintegrating blue tie-dye t-shirt that had holes everywhere but the parts I had to legally cover. Like with all my clothes with holes, you picked at it and caressed my skin in that way that you do. I had a red velvet curtain-type thing hung up near the mattress on the floor to section off something like a bedroom for myself, and we fell asleep with The Dust of Retreat on repeat. I remember clearly waking up in the middle of the night confused about where I was until I saw your sleeping face in the dim glow of the nearby Christmas lights. You were so beautiful, and I paused for a few moments to revel in how lucky I was to be so close to you. I often wished so badly that I could be with you... really, officially with you as more than intimate friends... but in that moment I found so much joy and contentment in just resting my head on your sleeping chest that nothing mattered but your heartbeat and the closeness we shared. I wish I could have kept feeling that way. The first time you called me your girlfriend, I was ecstatic. To be not just another female friend that you were close to, but your girlfriend made me feel wonderful, and I think that plays into why I became so irrational and childish when I became just another girlfriend. It's not something that I can logically justify or something that I expect you to relate to. Maybe someday I'll emotionally mature to the point where I can be in that sort of relationship, and I hope that you'll consider letting me close to you again if I reach that point. But for now, I just hope you know how very, very sorry I am for everything I've done to hurt or disappoint you.

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