Heartbeat

Here we are again, you’re asleep and I am just laying here, listening to the sound of your heartbeat… I wonder how many times I’ve heard your heartbeat over the past fourteen years. I wonder when I really started to appreciate the sound of it. Recently, my mind has been hell bent on remembering all of the times that I’ve not been the greatest partner to you. Times that I saw hurt in your eyes and did not do enough to comfort your heart. Times where I just took that heartbeat for granted.
I know, logically, that I was very young and very unwell for many of those moments- regardless, though, the guilt is heavy. I know guilt isn’t a bad thing…to feel it is often a sign of growth. The person I am now, though I still mess up from time to time, has grown to be much more aware of your heart. I catch myself thanking you frequently, and often you seem confused because nothing has warranted the gratitude, but in my mind, I just keep thinking of the beating of your heart.
How it beats as you stand there holding an umbrella for me, how it beats when your eyes soften when I smile at you or get excited about random things. How it beats a little faster when I kiss you.
How it continued to beat in the hardest moments that I feel guilty for… When I ended our relationship for a short time because of trauma that had little to do with you. When I was suicidal and kept you in constant fear. When I somewhat blindsided you, as I brought up wanting to possibly open our relationship because I realized I was demisexual and had developed feelings for a close friend. And then how its steady rhythm worked through the hurt, loved me enough to have an open mind, and then comforted me when that friend hurt me emotionally when they chose intentional distancing over honest communication. How it has beat in all those moments that I made hard for you… And how it remained steady every time you worked hard on yourself, to grow out of your own behaviors that hurt me. Through all of this, your heart beat has been just as consistent as you have been, in all our years together. I’m sorry for all of the times I did not stop to listen to your heartbeat, and I hope I show you, more and more, how much I have grow to appreciate it. I don’t know when the last time will be, that I am able to lay my head on your chest and listen to its steady rhythm- And so I will be sure to hold you often and whisper “thank you” on nights like this, when the only sound, in the dark of our room, is the steady melody of your beautiful heart.

i miss waking up in the middle of the night to hear your heartbeat aginst my cheek. you slept so soudly. you never even stirred as i whispered all my dreams about us in your ear, my words picking up the cadence of you heartbeat. while you dreamt i spoke of our livees together. our home, our kids. we were going to have a dog, you know.and you were going to mow the lawn while i folded laundry. you were going to come home from work each day and throw your arms around me, kiss me breathless.you were going to laugh at my cooking attempts but eat it anyway. you were going to kill the spiders and reach the plates in the highest cupboard. i was going to wake you up each morning with a kiss. you were going to keep me safe from the dark. now when i wake up to silence i sit up, frightened that youre hurt, and remeber that youre gone. as my heartbeat slows i curl up around my pillow and wonder how the last woman you left got through the night without you. be happy Love and dont mention the silly rambling of a lonley girl please.