Closeness

HIM : So, last night as I was trying to go to sleep I was pondering about something. And I was wondering what your definition, well, your definition may not be very helpful in your explanation but, all the same, I would like to know how you define closeness, for lack of a better term. Like. How do you gauge how close you are to someone?

ME: Well. Ummmmm. Well, I. I don't really know how to communicate this clearly. To me, closeness to someone is not necessarily physical, intellectual, or emotional, really. It's. Umm. It's not how much someone knows or doesn't about me or how much I know about them. It's more of a comfort thing, which, I suppose is kinda an emotional thing. But it's. It's a comfort thing more so than anything else. Take "A" and I for example. She and I have a strong physical, emotional, and intellectual connection, but it's the confidence we have in one another. I'm a confident for her and she for me. I know i can talk to her about a lot of stuff and she won't judge me harshly. She will help me analyze it. But she won't think of me as less of person, no matter how heinous the idea. She thinks I'm a wonderful person. (I went on to describe the relationship I have with my grandmother and my aunt and how I consider myself to be closest to them because I can tell them anything without fears but there's still something missing there.) But with my mom, I don't feel that closeness, or with my dad or sister. I love and respect my mother but we're not close at all. Ultimately I'm not super close to anyone in the respect of dependency. I couldn't imagine being dependent on one other person's existence. If my family died, I'd be sad but I'd get over it. It would be terrible to loose one of the people I feel close to though. I would be sad, depressed, and withdrawn for a long time, but I'd get over it.

HIM : I see. Well.

Silence as we look out across trees and a field from a hill top

ME : So, what about you?

HIM : I came to about the same conclusion as you, for the most part. I don't really get close to many people, though. Mostly because I don't see the necessity in doing so. I don't really need someone to confide in because either they don't give a damn about me or what I say or because it just wouldn't help them or me.

ME : Wait, what? Why would it need to help the person that you're confiding in. I mean, if you're making the effort to express yourself to someone that you feel a level of closeness to, then why does it matter if they are getting their jollies from it?

HIM : Well, it's not so much that as, usually people wish to draw something from doing something for you. And I just don't see the necessity in opening up to them. I mean, it's not like it will help much, if at all. But, like you, I would be saddened to loose the people I've come to feel close to but it wouldn't destroy my life or anything. But people can only get so close to me before I stop them. It's kind of depressing but I don't know.

ME : Yeah. Ummm. I understand. I mean, I don't let people past a certain wall. Which is why I'll always be lonely. I think a level of closeness also can be measured by how lonely I feel around them. Since I always feel somewhat isolated it's an interesting gauge I suppose. I mean, I feel extremely lonely when I'm in a room full of people I don't know, slightly less lonely amongst acquaintances, less lonely with friends and so on. But, I have this barrier set up against getting comfortable with the idea of letting someone get too close.

HIM : I think that's different though. But I don't know.

Our conversation continued on for an hour but it's just the fact that we can be honest with one another. We have an interesting relationship that I can't really describe other than... he's close to me