Relapse

5 years, 2 months ago
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Temptation is a wretched thing. I think relapsing is all about availability. If you know where it is and how to get it... why not, right?

You always start out justifying it to yourself. "I haven't done it in so long, I'll be fine." "It's just a little..."

So many things, constantly running through your head from that point on though. Once that seed of curiosity is planted again. It's miserable... at least when you truly want to stay away from it.

That little addict that ever cohabits a part of you though. They never really die. They go dormant for what seems like forever at times, but let something trigger you. Any addict will tell you, it always crosses their mind at that moment when you've had too much stress in your life.

It used to be cutting I turned to. As I got a little older though, it became cigarettes, weed, alcohol, pills... then more. Slowly eating away at the bright, smiling, innocent girl everyone knew. I kick myself all the time thinking about how I allowed myself to do all these things I knew were bad. I just didn't care anymore. A part of me wanted to tempt fate every single time. Will tonight be the night it all goes away? All the stress and bullshit day in and day out.

I know that everything happens for a reason, and that I was meant to live, but... why? What have I contributed to anything? What good has it done for me to still be alive? I sometimes still want to tempt fate. Frequently actually.

I have held my own, but I feel the foundation slowly crumbling under my feet recently. I guess it's just a matter of time before we all relapse on something.