Wretched

I only ever post here when I am frustrated about something and want answers or at least someone to talk to (vent to?) and everyone else in my life I don't want to bother with this kind of shit or they're someone who would be hurt or otherwise negatively affected by what I'd have to say. This is one of those times.

I live in New York, now. I've been there for almost 3 years-- all the time it's been since I graduated from college. There was a girl there that I had had a crush on for years, but only found out that it was mutual just a month or so before graduating. Even with that knowledge, I had basically already left school by the time we really fully realized we were a good match and properly started dating.

So our relationship was a long distance one from the get-go, with me off in my new life up in New York and her back down in school. Even though I had left the school, her hometown was just a day-trip away from where I moved to... so every break she had from school, she'd come home and we would plan an opportunity for her to spend some time visiting me. Still the relationship was mostly a long distance relationship, with her away at school most of the time, and even when she was 'home' from school-- she was only able to visit for a few days at a time.

So yeah, we've been doing this for a bit over 3 years now. It hasn't always been easy, but overall, we've worked out okay as a couple. Every time she's come to visit, everyone thinks we're an adorable couple, and thinks she's great for me. I invited her to a family wedding and my family loved her too and supported us as a couple as well, which is also awesome.

But, of course, I wouldn't be posting now if everything was still going alright.

Thing is, she recently finally graduated herself. I tried to find her a job up near me, but she didn't get anywhere with my leads. Knowing that she's broke and I'm certainly not, I offered that she could stay with me rent free and look for jobs. But she wouldn't take up my offer-- partially out of a fear that the area I live in wouldn't ever have any good jobs in her field, and partially out of a desire to not HAVE to rely on someone, and prove herself (I think.) Which is legit-- fair enough.

She ended up visiting a friend way down south and applied for jobs while she was there. And, well... she just got hired by one of them. Way down south-- other side of the country, basically.

So now there is this massive elephant in the room of what's going to happen to us as a couple. Granted, yes, we've survived as a long distance couple for a little over 3 years... but there's also always been a sort of defined end-point to that... that she'd eventually be done with school and we could maybe become something more. There was of course my offer of having her come live with me, but I've already said why that didn't happen. She had been looking for jobs in New York city itself, and that would have been alright too-- still long distance, but only a 3-hour bus-ride away. I could have still spent most weekends with her (it would get expensive, but eh-- I could deal.) We had even talked about both moving somewhere together that would be mutually beneficial to both of our careers so we could stay together.

But, I'll be honest. I love my job here. I don't want to leave it for a long time-- awesome work, awesome people, and the best job-security I can imagine for my career.

Even so, It's too late now-- she's got the job down south, with full intention of moving there for it (it was already a struggle to get any job at all-- she's determined to take this one! That same determination to prove herself is why she wouldn't just live with me without a job...) ...and as far as I know, that area isn't good for my career, so there's REALLY no incentive for me to pack up and leave my amazing job to move there other than for her. And I guess I have to be blunt here-- I love her, but... leaving this job to move there for her just doesn't sound like a smart move for me. So that's out.

So I'm kind of at a loss for what to do. We could continue to be an online relationship but... Now there's little promise of anything left. I don't know about her-- but I know I won't be able to afford to go visit her down there more than maybe once a year, and since she's broke I'm assuming she'd be in a similar spot. Our already strained long-distance relationship is about to get a lot more strained.

And the situation just seems all the more grim because a couple I loved and admired-- they just broke up for exactly this same reason: One of them got hired for an amazing job far away and the other wasn't willing to move... so they--still fully in love --just agreed to part ways anyway to avoid that pain of being apart. So that's all I can think about, even though, technically I have been apart this whole time anyway-- but... now that the fantasy has been shattered of us ever getting to live together as a proper couple... it's just... blah.

And now for the part I'm least proud of, but just as frustrated by: Even just before she graduated... I started to have my worries about what would happen after she was done with school. I started seeing the possible writing on the wall, even though I tried to keep up the hope that she could find something here (or at least near here) so we could be at least somewhat more together than we had been.

But at the same time, as crappy as this is-- I started to form a backup plan. I had already sort of fallen for a girl at work, but, of course, I had always repressed any feelings for her, since I had the girlfriend back at school. I'm not going to lie-- the tension just made my feelings for this other girl even worse and all the more strong...

So once it started to become more and more apparent that the girlfriend and I weren't going to have the future together I was hoping for... I kinda let myself get a little more flirty with the girl from work, and damnit, she was flirty right back. I feel shitty that I thought this, but it was so refreshing to have this girl being so flirty with me because it gave me hope-- even though it was starting to look like I might have to part ways with my girlfriend, at least there was someone else that made me happy, that I could love.

So fast forward a bit-- I get the news that the girlfriend got the job, and will be moving to a land far far away...

That same day I end up hanging out with some folks after work (my only friends here are my coworkers...) and two of my best friends from the office... one of which was the girl I also have feelings for... I noticed she and the other guy were holding hands. And as the night wore on, it became more and more clear that they've secretly been something of a couple for at least a little while now.

So on the same devastating day I got the news I was dreading to hear from my girlfriend that she was for sure moving away and we were probably not ever going to be together like I had wanted... I also found out the other girl is now seeing someone (and that someone is another good friend and coworker, no less).

Over the past couple days we keep doing stuff as a group, and it just depresses me more and more, seeing them together. All the while I haven't even had the opportunity to talk to the girlfriend... There was a time where we'd talk every night, but that hasn't been true for while... And I'm just dreading what our next conversation will be-- or maybe not the next conversation... but whenever we have to have THE conversation again about what our future together is. Because, right now, it's looking like their isn't one.

This also, btw, all also comes at the same time where my job has left me in a sticky situation-- I've suddenly been dumped with a ton of extra responsibility I do not feel comfortable that I am equipped to handle it, with everyone who should be my support having to bail on me all at once (that's actually why I was dumped with the responsibility in the first place-- because everyone else had to bail simultaneously). So it's both 1.) A 'when it rains it pours' situation that just makes my already crappy week even crappier and 2.) Is an oddly metaphorical thing-- where I'm just feeling like I've lost all the support I need.

Hence what made me come crawling back here-- the only place I feel safe... letting this all out. I'll be honest-- I almost censored myself even here, and was thinking about keeping most of this still bottled in and just saying some vague bit of whining along the lines of not knowing what will happen with my relationship, and mentioning that this was kept vague and stuff because there was a part that made me feel too guilty and wretched, but meh-- I feel like as risky as it is, I'll let it all out and not let this shit bottle up inside me. I may take it back and delete this all later-- but just to know it was out there and maybe read by someone will be nice.