Stress

Always moving, always here…

Stimulus!

Stress winding and bending, stretching and flowing like a river, starting with but a straightforward appearance but eventually jarring small pebbles of dirt and debris – adding on, more dense… keeps going… more direct, more debris… more shit until the stream loses its regularity, it gets confused and uncertain, more so every second. Curving, curving. Often a rush of water will arise from its source with great disturbing results like taking whole sections of debris and shit and dirt and depositing it elsewhere. Only will nature define that. Only will others repair and replace… but that’s altering nature… that’s bullshit. TONS of things outside affect the river. Who decides the destination. The same who decides the source.

How can you expect me not to be deeply interested in stress to an almost infatuation. If stress practically put forth totally what I am today.

1984 + most of 1985 will always be a terrible space in my life.

I've been so stressed lately especially this semester. It seems like this semester I'm just as busy or busier than last semester. Each year seems to keep getting harder. Thankfully I just have one more year after this. It just seems like I have so much due these next two weeks before spring break and even the few weeks after. Along with props stuff I have to do for the Music Man show for my design assignment for my major.

Then on top of that there's my poly conundrum I've been dealing with. It's been made a little easier yet not at the same time. The guy I was actually with from Virginia broke up with me a week ago so I've been having to deal with that. I saw it coming but it still hurts. I'm slowly getting over it though. Going out with friends the past two nights has really helped take my mind off of things. Also, I still have the other guy who is in Illinois, so I still have someone who cares about me who I care about in return. However, my growing attraction for the other said person from my other post keeps growing stronger. I wish he liked me too. For all I know he may but I'm too afraid/shy to ask or say anything about it. I don't wanna ruin the friendship we already have. At least that's good enough for me for right now. And as I said, the last two nights were awesome and a lot of fun. Just being able to hang out with him and other people is really nice and fun. I can be happy with that at least.

the body never ceases to amaze me. In my life I have a pretty constant amount of stress, but lately I've noticed that this stress affects me differently than usual. Instead of just being irritable, my sleep patterns are off. I mean, I love sleep but don't usually get a whole lot of it. However I'm also usually very tired all of the time. These past few weeks I've had a few days where I've slept a lot, I've had a few days were I've only slept a few hours, and surprisingly I haven't been tired either way. I've never experienced stress and lack of sleep where I'm not tired, and its been almost 4 years since I've woken up and not been tired immediately. It's been even longer since I've woken up after only 3 hours of sleep and still been not tired. I just wonder what my body is doing to keep me going.

Here I go again. I hate this about me. I hate that I can't control it and it hits me when all I have to do is the most mundane thing. People do this all the damn time! I'm not the first one and I won't be the last and here I am making myself nauseous a half hour before I have to do anything at all. This isn't hard. You walk in you sign your name on a piece of paper pick a seat towards the side of the room and wait for them to hand you the test. You take out your sharpened number two pencil and you answer questions filling in dots for forty five minutes and that’s it! It's not death defying and everyone else in the room is doing the same exact thing! Yet here I am nail less and two packs of cigarettes later thankful that I haven’t eaten anything and regretting not taking those sleeping pills last night. I’m already drained and I know that I know all of the material! I’m full of doubt and anger and I just want to sleep and blow it off entirely and if I hadn’t paid to take this damn test I would’ve. Let me rephrase that if someone else hadn’t paid I would be blowing the whole thing off. I’m itchy and shaky and it’s completely unnecessary and just makes me angry. The worst part is I have to do it all over again tomorrow morning!! I’ve wasted twenty minutes sitting here typing this and suddenly I feel so ill prepared and I want to cry. Trapped here silent unable to breathe on the brink of an explosion and there’s no one to call and this is why I’ve fallen in love with ether. It listens and very rarely talks back.