Failure

I am still at work ... 4 hrs later than I should be. My boss is in Japan (and clearly grumpy) and made a sweeping assumption based on email. He basically said, to 2 very important people, that I wasn't doing my job and he would fix that when he got back. All because my program manager scheduled a meeting that I normally would have scheduled. I was busy putting together the content of the meeting at the time. Which is a far more arguouse task than checking calanders. So here I am , in the work bathroom , of an empty office , trying to pull myself together and not cry. I never cry, and I am certantly not going to now!

I thought I would make it a little longer before I failed him so spectacularly. I'm a recovering opiate addict. Recovering, not recovered, because there's a non-opiate medication I need to be able to stay off of opiates. If I take it, I can't breastfeed. It's a new medication, with no research on if its passed into breast milk, and if it is, what the effects are. I had to start taking it again today. To be able to function. To be able to fulfill the other duties of a mother, and as the mother of someone's son. As a lover, sister, daughter. I tried to go without it. I didn't take it for a portion of the pregnancy so Little Man wouldn't have to deal with withdrawal issues. It was rough. It reminded me of why I take the medicine, why forcing myself through shit isn't always an option. Reminded me that I have a limit of stress, pain, emotional instability. And when I reach that limit, if I don't use or take the meds, I don't fucking function. I pushed myself as far as I could go. I tried. I tried operating as if failure wasn't an option, because I believe breast milk has a few advantages over formula. I believe that's a scientific fact. It's important for physical and emotional well-being. Maybe it doesn't hurt a newborn to not have it, but it certainly helps them when they can get it. I'm denying him that. I have to turn his head when I hold him and he starts rooting. He hasn't yelled at me over it yet. When he does, it's going to destroy me. The emotional charge that I thought was assisting me in staying off of the medication turned around and bit me squarely on the ass. I wasn't expecting that. People joke about how hormonal pregnant ladies and new moms are, and it keeps you from realizing that it does get that bad. New moms do cry over every single thing. Sick kid on the TV? A bloo bloo. Learning CPR on a dummy infant? A bloo bloo bloo. Things that would normally not phase me at all cause me brief crying fits, things that would affect me emotionally regardless send me off of the edge. I'm not using 'hormones' as a scapegoat, either. I'm overemotional and I have been since birth. It's not something I can just stop. I have to do damage control, and live my life. And I know what's useless hormonal sadness and what's actually a big deal. Not being able to breastfeed is a big deal. It's me failing him. It's me failing to be strong enough.

I couldn't save her, i am not even sure I could make her comfortable at the end. When she died I was asleep, and didn't wake up until her body had been removed.

Now I can't even help the family I have left. The teenager is living in the middle of nowhere with a potentially dangerous alcoholic, and I am sponging off the brother who has something going on.