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I will admit I am not the most people-friendly person. I can only take so much social contact in one go before I start getting edgy and need to go have some alone time. But generally I am okay with people I think; I'm friendly enough if a bit quiet and I do genuinely enjoy meeting people and hanging out and the like. What I am currently trying to wrap my head around, though, is my isolationist tendencies. I don't open up to people easily, even my boyfriend only gets to know if I'm really upset or angry about half the time. Still, I can feel - when one of those particular emotions is starting to creep up on me particularly strongly - two diametrically opposed urges start to make themselves known: one is the still startlingly new urge to find him and hug him and let it all out in a storm of tears, the other, more familiar option is to completely isolate myself from the world of people, sever any and all connections to the hurt and presumably just wait it out. Usually I go for option two out of habit; before he was around it was the only choice, but it doesn't work amazingly well now because it's so hard for me to conceal my emotions from him. And he doesn't like me bottling it away or something, imagine that :v ...I'm not sure now where I was going with this thought. I suppose I'm just using the ether as a spot to put down my continuing efforts to understand how my messed-up head works; presumably otherwise I'd forget and have to start over. I'm sure you don't mind.
It's the easy thing to do, following old habits. Sometimes you have to force yourself to break them. That is, if you want to.
See that's the thing, objectively I know this is the 'wrong' way to handle it but... I don't want to do it the other way.
It's messy and embarrassing, owning up to feelings like uncertainty, anger and righteous indignation.
And it sort of really really bothers me that I'm so transparent. If he can see that I'm unhappy, who else am I pretending to fool? The whole world...and that is a scary concept for me.
In other words, I do this too!