Mirror

This year, I invited my past mistakes into my present. I gathered them to me like prayer beads on a lengthy string. I kept unwittingly revisiting my traumas, letting them lacerate me anew.

I'd talk to those I banished from me, not sure what I'd find there. There was nothing left. Nothing to salvage, after all these years.

I thought because we all might die...because we might not have another chance to speak, that the words we exchanged wouldn't be so one-sided...but people don't change much, and some never can change.

Addicts trapped in addiction never feel they've wronged others. I should, therefore, not take it so personally. That's what my therapist has said. Not in those words, but she's made me aware that's what she wants out of me, these days. To not take things so personally.

If you treat everyone like pieces of useless garbage, that's a bad reflection on yourself, not those around you. You see everyone as garbage because you're garbage. You see everyone as beneath you because you feel inadequate in some way. We reflect each other. We are mirrors.

I've stepped into my refection. It is beautiful. Golden, strong. But the deeper I move into her the darker it gets. Far away, long ago, I am lost. I reach for myself, as I fall into death. But I let go when I realize it is only for pity. Now I am here, alone, and I am not dreaming. And you are gone. And so it goes, friend. And so it goes.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "holy shit, is that me?"

And I said, "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the sexiest bitch of them all?"

And the mirror just sat there reflecting, so I said, "Mirror mirror on the wall, what the fuck? Why aren't you saying anything? Is something wrong?"

And the mirror said, "No, dumbass, but I'm a mirror, and everyone knows that mirrors can't talk."

Sometimes when looking into the mirror, I find myself wondering if I am really seeing me, a true image of what I look like. I blink hard and reassure myself that I am real.....

In Ancient time mirrors were held to be sacred, but they only had pools of water and pieces of metal available to observe their own reflection. The only way to get a clear image of what you looked like was to trust an artist to draw or paint your portrait. And the latin word for drawing another person portrait was, Enlightenment.But today we have highly advanced mirror technology available, which I believe is very useful in treating mental and physical illness.

The ancients believed mirrors to be useful for divination, and also for absorbing evil. That's why people still say it is 7 years bad luck if you brake a mirror. We don't put much thought into mirrors anymore, and its considered superstition if you do. But it shouldn't be because mirrors are a better tool for bio-feedback than the electronics and computers people use today.

A recent study found that people who were paralyzed could still work computers when hooked up to medical instruments which measured bio-rythms and brainwaves. And scientologists believe they can control their emotional states with lie detectors. But a mirror is an even more valuable tool.

People don't have an objective understanding of who they are, and 'the man in the mirror' often takes advantage of that. When I look in the mirror for a little bit of time, I see someone completely different from who I think I am. The man in the mirror behaves in strange ways, and when I dissasociate from myself he does things that I can't control. But when I meditate on the mirror I begin to relax and I've been able to learn new skills.

After talking to the mirror I've learned to wiggle my ears, and lift one eye-brow. And once I even staired into my eyes untill my pupils started dripping into my iris. Which was extremely scarry, although it didn't cause any physical problems. However I think I am giving up on wasting time on the computers, and will continue to practice Zen while looking into the mirror, because although I consider them to be side-effects the man in the mirror has control of me.

He is writting this paper, and thinking for me. He moves my fingers, and winds up talking about things I'm really not even interested in. But if I meditate on who I really am, and try to remain self aware I can take control of myself. So that's what my job is now full time. Just listening to music, and gazing into the mirror.

You should try it. I've gone 3 days without posting, and have been looking in the mirror the whole time. I checked back today to see what people thought about this idea, and was suprised to see so many responses on alt.depression.

I wanted to let everyone know that I am getting positive responses from the man in the mirror, and he is actually helping me regain control of my life. I got up at 10:00AM today to go to my group meeting, and went to the Unitarian Church early in the morning yesterday. The sermon at church was about the gnostic gospels, and the scripture that they read happened to be about how beholding Jesus, is like looking into the mirror. Which they also talk about in a passage of Corintheans.

I haven't been talking to myself, pacing about, or drinking. I've been smoking less, and I haven't been over-eating. I've actually been completely entertained while looking in the mirror, and want to buy a larger mirror to cover a wall in my house. To go with a nice sofa to sit on of course.

So perhaps I will coninue to post every now and again, but I'm not going to make an obsessive habbit about it and I will be thinking about what Corey White wants to write, and not letting the man in the mirror do all of my "hacking".

But Legend has it that you actually are the man in the mirror and he is you, and if something ever changed in the mirror world, there is a chance that you would switch places with the man in the mirror. That's because there is no logical way to determine if you were still yourself at that point, without the notion of subjective randomness.

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