Sister

My sister seems to have a magnetic field around her. Everyone loves her. Everyone wants to talk to her. And everyone wants to compare her to me.

Or maybe I just compare us myself. It's hard to avoid when a person I'm talking to suddenly turns to her and doesn't speak to me again.

She's thinner. She's prettier. She's more outgoing. She can stop a person with just a look when she wants to.

I want to say I have the better personality, but I must be wrong.

And all I can think of is screaming in a hallway, gasping for air as she kicked the shit out of me, dodging whatever she chose to throw. I think of barricading myself in a room, hoping like hell she wouldn't push through. I remember a 103 degree fever, being completely oblivious to the world around me as I sat in the living room, unable to move, and she was happy because it meant she could use the computer longer.

I remember spending my 17th birthday in the hospital with her, because she was on more drugs and alcohol than I can name, and she got into a car accident.

I remember being confronted in the hallway by a teacher, because they saw in the newspaper that she was in jail, and they didn't want me to be like her.

I want to be my own person.

I want to stop wishing I could give myself an eating disorder to be thinner than her.

I want to stop worrying that my friends will meet her and stop talking to me.

I want to stop feeling like I'm constantly struggling to be something better than she is.

What if I don't want a sister?

I feel like she's stealing him.

Especially when she wraps her arms around his waist and says "Mine."

That makes me want to scream, "He was mine first! He was the only thing keeping me sane while being carted back and forth between homes! Don't take him away!"

But it's too late.

I can see he loves her.

And I'm not selfish enough to take that away from him.

I'll miss him.