My sister seems to have a magnetic field around her. Everyone loves her. Everyone wants to talk to her. And everyone wants to compare her to me.
Or maybe I just compare us myself.
It's hard to avoid when a person I'm talking to suddenly turns to her and doesn't speak to me again.
She's more outgoing.
She can stop a person with just a look when she wants to.
I want to say I have the better personality, but I must be wrong.
And all I can think of is screaming in a hallway, gasping for air as she kicked the shit out of me, dodging whatever she chose to throw. I think of barricading myself in a room, hoping like hell she wouldn't push through. I remember a 103 degree fever, being completely oblivious to the world around me as I sat in the living room, unable to move, and she was happy because it meant she could use the computer longer.
I remember spending my 17th birthday in the hospital with her, because she was on more drugs and alcohol than I can name, and she got into a car accident.
I remember being confronted in the hallway by a teacher, because they saw in the newspaper that she was in jail, and they didn't want me to be like her.
I want to be my own person.
I want to stop wishing I could give myself an eating disorder to be thinner than her.
I want to stop worrying that my friends will meet her and stop talking to me.
I want to stop feeling like I'm constantly struggling to be something better than she is.