Fog

The fog as we stood outside of my dorm was so thick, I couldn't even see across the quad.

This is how I felt as I stepped outside. Like life was just so fucking unclear. Like I didn't really know what was happening around me, if there would be anyone there if I fell.

But you were standing right beside me.

And despite the fog, keeping things uncertain for me, I can see you. I know you are there for me. I know I can lean on you.

But what happens when you leave? You will be leaving this place before I do, stepping back into the fog...

But I think by then it will be lifted.

And the morning will come and light up all the things I have been so unsure about.

Stand with me till dawn? It's 2:00 AM already.

The fog nearly killed me last night. I still have an obsession with it. I liken it to you, currently, because I'm obsessed with you and this and all of it. I don't know what to do. I'm in a fog, of obligations and desires and not wanting to hurt anyone. Of lust and lies and guilt. And all those are secondary grays to the white that is love, the pure thick white that wraps my heart and head and immobilizes me. Some of it might be the booze. I never ask for help from anything intangible that isn't within my own being. I never have. I feel when you go to the gods and such out of desperation, instead of love, you're cheating them, or at least the idea of them. But please. Help me figure out the right thing.

It was a rainy day, and it was quite foggy on the drive home, which led me through Falls Park.

The lamps illuminated the fog, giving birth to a rare ambient beauty. I stopped the car, got out, and walked about the park- to the pavillion, around the pond, along the riverside. The fog moved slowly, and I felt as if I could merely take a step and find myself in some strange place, never to be seen again. This would not be unwelcome.

You may have noticed I'm not very descriptive here; I am no poet. It would require a tremendous talent to express the bliss I felt, a poet or a magician.

I wish I could have shared it with you, any of you, all of you. It's a beautiful night, made for ambling about a college campus and talking, trading utopian fantasies, loves, hates, losses, desires, despairs.

A few minutes bathed in wonderment and beauty, a full-sensorium suffusion of transcendant bliss.

I felt more alive than I've felt in years, alive and full of love for everyone and everything.

If only I could bind it and bring it to you.