Lies

7 years, 4 months ago
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When I was young, I would be dishonest in whatever minor ways I wanted to get the right reaction out of people. As I grew up, I learned better. I remember a pivotal moment with my brother where he had the last ice cream bar, and I wanted it. I thought about how I could cry to dad that my brother had stolen it from me, and I knew that I'd get it. But something stopped me, like I'd suddenly developed empathy. I told my brother that next time we got ice cream bars, I hoped I could get the first one but it was okay if I didn't. That was over 12 years ago, and I think I've been a generally forthcoming, respectful person since then.

I guess he's the exception. I don't know how I went so long without bothering to think about how manipulative I am toward him. Some of the lies, I remember in detail. He'd compare himself to past lovers and depend so pathetically on my opinion being in his favor. The few times I made the mistake of being honest, it changed the dynamic of our relationship. Things suddenly stopped being a game, and he withdrew like a child being picked last for kickball. Other lies, I don't even remember telling him. I can only assume they're continuations of some line of fabrication I began to console him.

The solution seems obvious when I approach it logically: don't be with someone who can't handle honesty. Don't be with someone who's going to ball his fists and hold his breath until he gets his way. It's easy to think, but it's not what I really want. I've used and manipulated him from the beginning. Our time together started because I needed a distraction, continued because I needed a crutch, ended because he was too overwhelmed to meet my needs, and started again because I felt like he was unfinished business, a project that I dropped somewhere in the middle, and picking it back up only made sense. When I tell him what he needs to hear and he thinks that he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, he's a dedicated, doting boyfriend who puts me at the center of his universe. And I guess that's what I need right now, even if I have to wiggle around the truth a lot, outright lie a little, and just generally fake it. I just hope this manipulative tendency with him doesn't expand into other facets of my life. I hope that I can quarantine it for as long as I feel the need to be with him. And I really, really hope that I don't hurt him along the way.

View Thinker #a400b6's profile

My boyfriend just read this entry and believes that I wrote it. He's really pissed at me. Is there any way you could prove that you're not me?

View Thinker #000000's profile

Maybe the original author could edit the text to say "I'm totally not that fuchsia girl". But that still wouldn't prove anything. What a predicament! I think your boyfriend just needs to trust you.

View Thinker #a43029's profile

Wow. Uhh... I can't really think of a way to prove that. I'll go ahead and drop some anonymity and admit that I composed the thought, but I'm not really willing to divulge more about who I am than my color on Ether. Even if I gave my life story, he could think it's you just making it up. Maybe encourage him to view other thoughts I've written that don't seem like you? If you come up with a solution, I'd be happy to help.

P

I'll totally feel bad if Ether causes a breakup. Hope you guys work it out.

View Thinker #fc785d's profile

That's bullshit, for someone to freak out like that over an anonymous thought. it's just a thought. If I were you, bright-purple person, I've contemplate seriously why someone would be so worried.... Not all girls are manipulative, and even if we are, you deserve it to some degree. Don't act like your shit don't stink. Don't act like you've not manipulated at one point in time. I'm not ragging on some person's boyfriend...I think it's just nuts that someone would be so butthurt over someone's anonymous thought on here. . .

View Thinker #33ff33's profile

I know both parties in question, the girl and the boyfriend. I know she didn't post this and I offered a couple solutions, but she wanted to let it go. He's probably forgotten by now. She's actually stopped posting on here because he'd get on here, read her thoughts, and freak. He likes excuses to freak. If she's started another color, she's keeping it so secret that even I don't know about it. I hope she has. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

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I lie. A lot. I manipulate. I want to stop lying. I want to be a better person.

If you pray, pray for me.

I hate when people pretend they're something that they're not. They pretend that love doesn't matter to them, then they go and fall in love after they've just been bashing me for being in love. You make no sense. How weak. You could at least just admit that you're too jealous of something real that you haven't experienced yourself that you need to feel in control by lying about it. Whatever. I'll always know that you're not really happy. And that I am.