Please

Please, someone see through my smile. Please, someone give me a hug and say to me it'll all be ok.

I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm tired of the tests. I'm tired of the biopsies. I'm sick of the scans, the "just to be safes".

I want to be a happy, normal, playful, chipper, twenty-something year old mother. Instead I'm on too many meds, aggravated and angry at life because I can't raise my daughter in a normal way, or at least the way I want to.

Some people who are sick, actually do want to be productive members of society. We are resentful as fuck we were chosen for this road. I'm over it.

I'm mad. At God. At my doctors. At the world. I don't want to raise my kid to be mad at everything though.

Ever find yourself begging to let go, to stop something you know you truly don't want to?

I'm so tired. So worn out. I'm ready to quit trying. I just don't have it in me anymore. I want to give in, but to give in is to sign my own death certificate.

Sometimes I think I have more to die for than live for anymore.

Don't make me regret trusting you.

Please. Someone. Share this nightmare with me.

Now. Please, please, please. I can't keep this all inside, but I can't let it out without horrifying someone.

Without something being irreparably destroyed in the process.

There's no one left that can help draw that out of me safely.

God.

How long do I have.

Don't look for me.

Don't.

Don't look back.

There will be no evidence that I ever existed.

.

Please don't break my heart. I really want to believe this can last, and right now it seems to have potential... Just please be careful with me. I've been broken before, and I'm not sure if I would be able to heal again.

If someone could explain a few things to me, that would be nice. Why, after splitting with me, are you being so cruel? You left me. And I didn't do anything. I stayed here, tonight, so you could call me. I could have gone to a party with a warm, loving, caring, emotionally open friend who is willing to share anything from a hug and a shoulder to cry on to rockstar sex. But no. I stayed here. So you could call. And you didn't. I called you once. The old voicemail was up. I called you an hour later. You'd replaced it. So you had time to do that, but not to call me when you gave me your fucking word that you would. Worst of all, it hurts. I'm not just pissed, I'm hurt.

Why do people act like this?

I just want to sleep. That really isn't too much to ask. Please let me fall asleep. I'm not even asking to dream here just some sleep. Just let me close my eyes and drift away for a little while just three hours! Three hours just enough time to recharge and I promise I'll get back to what I was doing......day two and I really, really, really, really need some sleep.