Jealousy

Hm. Yeah. I forgot. I am capable of jealousy. It seems uncharacteristic of me because, on one hand, I don't make a habit out of wanting anything. And on the other hand, if there's something that I do want, I'm almost always tenacious or clever enough to get it. I could totally change the course of my life and go off into the realm of professional art like they have, but... Hmph. This reminds me of all of those drama teachers that were always frustrated with me because I wouldn't sit still and constantly wanted to be on stage, no matter what was going on. Except this time I'm my own teacher, and it's all the more frustrating that I can't keep my inner child to stay in his seat, nor manifest a good reason why he should stay there.

She was in love with me, or at least heading there. And she was everything I had been looking for. Someone who was interested in me and willing to do the dirty work to make us an "us" when I found myself incapable due to my insecurities. She saw the wounds of lonliness in me and rather than be turned away like most would be, she actually volunteered to be the one to heal them.

But it didn't work out, things stood in the way, and one of them being that even though she was everything I was looking for, I didn't feel anything for her. I WANTED to love her back, but it just wasn't there. She wasn't unnattractive. I just never felt that click, that spark.

I tried things with her anyway, for a while, hoping to find them, or that they'd come, but it never did. It just made me feel like I was using her or something. Felt slimy. So eventually I turned her away.

Ironically, now that she's dating someone else, I'm finding myself jealous. I had to throw her away and lose her to find exactly the sign I was looking for that she did matter to me more than just as a friend.

Ah well. It's kind of funny.

I made a realization about myself the other day. I get jealous easily. Generally I'm able to control it, but sometimes it's just ridiculous. Sometimes it's just over the dumbest things too. I don't know, as long as I control it will be fine, and I know it will. I just thought it was interesting to know.