Oceans

I remember the day I stood on a rock that jutted out into the Pacific. The tide was inconsistent, and the fog so dense that it was hard to tell where the sky ended and the sea began. It was frightening and magnificent, standing there at the edge of the world. “Watch out, you probably shouldn’t be so close to the edge, you might fall!” My friend had called to me, just as a stronger wave rolled right up to kiss my feet. I didn’t fall, but in that moment I realized the danger. I had to make a choice to continue standing in that ethereal moment, with the risk of drowning in the next moment… or choose to walk back and away from the most eerily beautiful thing I had ever set my eyes upon. A part of me wanted to choose the drowning…
In so many ways, I find myself on the edge of unpredictable tides and slippery rocks again. The world at large, despite its beautiful moments, seems so full of violent waves that threaten to beat my skull against the rocks and drown others alongside me. In my personal life, I seem to be staring at another beautifully grey skyline, awestruck. But also intimidated. I can feel the water kissing my feet. I can feel the danger, thick as the fog, clinging to my skin in a cold embrace. I don’t want to turn away from where the sky meets the sea. I am enthralled. Beguiled. Bewitched. I find myself wanting to marvel at it forever, lured in by something so kindred between the grey sky and the color of my eyes. But what if I drown? I’ve tasted so much salt water already, from the rivers that formed themselves between my eyes and my mouth, in all the time I spent longing to touch that indistinguishable skyline.
I can taste the salt on my lips, as I once again find myself turned towards the misty sea. And I wonder, if I stand here too long, will I finally succumb to my own naivety? How many times can a girl stand on a slippery rock and not fall into the ice cold water of the capricious waves that form around her? If I choose to love the ocean so intensely, is it my own fault if I drown? Will I ever be able to distinguish that grey gradient of skyline, where the ocean meets the universe? Or will I simply fall and hit the rock? Is the beauty of the sea worth giving every part of me? If I drown, will the saltwater on my tongue be from ocean or my own tears?